How I am doing.

Well, I am happy to say I am holding my own! Last Monday was our works Christmas Party. Lots of food and drink about, but I was not tempted to splurge or go overboard, thankfully. Quite surprising really, as in years gone past, I would have loaded my plate up and then gone back for more! I was really sensible. I knew that I wouldn't be able to eat an awful lot so I only took what I thought I could eat and even then I couldn't eat it all and had to leave some on my plate. Hooray!!! Then with the pudding, I only asked for a small spoonful, and then had that with a small spoonful of cream. It was lovely and just the right amount. Then the cheese course, I had a taste, just enough to satisfay and that was great also. I felt absolutely happy with what I had eaten and when I weighed myself at the end of the week, all was well. I had gone neither up, nor down. Whew!! Pretty wonderful stuff!

I also went out for lunch with my friend Jo on Thursday. We went to an Italian place in Tunbridge Wells. I was looking forward to this as it had been a while since I had seen Jo and I never get to eat Italian much at home. Todd is not an Italian lover. We had garlic bread to start, and wow, were we surprised when it came. It was like a pizza! I had a small slice as I knew if I ate any more of it I would not be able to eat my lunch. I had the ricotta and spinach ravioli on a bed of rocket with a fresh tomato and cream sauce. It was gorgeous, but again, I could only eat about a third of it. I was completely happy and satisfied after eating only a third and had the will power to be able to stop there. It is amazing and I am soooo happy with this.

I am fitting into clothes that I haven't been able to wear for a long time and I am feeling really good about myself. I still have quite a ways to go of course, but I feel confident that I will get there and very happy with the choices I am making.

I love this. As long as I pay attention to the signals my body is giving me then I am able to totally control what I am eating. It feels so good to finally be in control of my body instead of it being the other way around!

Now . . . if I could only control my spending!!! I wonder if Margaret gives help with that . . .

Merry Christmas everyone!

Thoughts three weeks before Christmas

I have lost very close to 3 stone now, which is amazing to me. If you are not familiar with stones, a stone is the equivalent of 14 pounds of weight, so that is 'perty' nigh close to 42 pounds in weight. It seems amazing to me that a year ago, just a few weeks before Christmas, I had no idea that this is what the year would bring to me. I am ever so grateful that Todd was listening to the radio on that fateful day in June and that he was supportive enough of me to have said go for it! I am also ever so grateful to Margaret and all the support and help she has given me. She has given me back control of my life, or at least helped me to find the strength to take back the control of my life from the eating disorder that was slowly destroying it!!!

I put on my winter coat to go to the grocery store yesterday morning and it literally was hanging on me. It felt good and at the same time let me know that I am going to be having to get myself some new clothes soon.

This is the lowest in weight I have been in a great many years now and yes . . . I am beginning to have skin issues. This is one of the things that had kept me from really going for it before now, or should I say one of the excuses that I used to keep me from pursuing losing the weight seriously in the past. Now I say, pooh to that! It is inevitable that I will have excess skin and I shall have to do whatever I have to do to get rid, even if that means surgery . . . so be it. I can begin to understand the words . . . nothing tastes as good as thin feels. There is some truth there, scary as that might be. But then . . . any extreme is not good, not healthy, not to be embraced.

The thought occurs to me this morning that I am not just doing this for myself. I am doing this for all the fat women in my life . . . this is for my grandmother who weighed close to 300 pounds when she passed away, and who I never saw thin. For my Aunt Freda, who had a smiling face and a kind heart, but who would have given anything to be thin. For all my friends who have fought and are fighting the same battle. Don't give in. You can do it. We can do it.

The Christmas Holidays are upon us and with it all the indulgences that usually accompany them. The office parties, the holiday visits, the Christmas dinners and treats . . . I am not afraid this year. I am armed with all the tools I need to get through them intact.

My youngest son turns 21 tomorrow. That is the last time I remember being thin . . . for not too long after he was born I had my tubes tied and I quit smoking and the battle with my weight began. He is the only one of my children that has absolutely no recollection of me ever being thin. He has only ever known me as being fat. That makes me feel sad. I don't want him to only ever remember me as being fat. I want him to remember me as being a strong woman who was not afraid to stand up for what she believed in, who had the strength to walk away from an abusive marriage, who had the courage to stand up for what she believed in, who had talents that she was not afraid to explore and who had the power to wrest control of her life back from the demons that tried to steal it from her.

Bring on the turkey and the stuffing. I can handle it.

There's no rest for the wicked!!

I have had a very busy few weeks. It's always like this for me in the run up to Christmas. Because I work for an American family the month of November is crazy, crazy, crazy. Family is coming and going, along with friends . . . there is the big Thanksgiving Feast to prepare and the family is busy getting ready to fly to America for their Christmas celebrations over there. To top it off the housekeeper has been off sick with swine flu for several weeks so I have been wearing two hats, both as the cook and as best as I can with the housekeepers job.

On Thanksgiving day alone I cooked a dinner for a ginormous amount of people . . . three appetizers (smoked salmon roulades, olive poppers, hot pepper cheese balls) a soup course (curried pumpkin soup with my mother's baking powder biscuits) the main course (Two roasted turkeys, cornbread stuffing, green beans with crimini mushrooms and shallots) oven braised parsnips and carrots with rosemary, wild rice and cranberry pilaff, Sweet potato souffle, Bing Cherry Salad, Gingered Cranberry Relish) and three desserts ( Pecan Pie, Gingered Pear crumble and a spiced pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting and toasted pecan garnish) Whew! I got tired just writing all of that! I don't know how they managed to eat it all, really. I got through the whole day with a bowl of cereal, a bowl of soup and a roll. I was far too busy to eat anything else. Funny thing is when I am busy at work and cooking . . . I have no interest in eating at all.

Upshot of being so busy is . . . one - I haven't been keeping up my food diary like I should. I have kept a running tab in my head but I just haven't gotten around to putting it down on paper, which I don't really like. I like seeing it in black and white. two - I am down another 3 pounds since the last time I posted, which is good, and which shows me I am still on track despite not being able to write things down and not being able to fit in any exercise. Of course the weather has been horrible so there's been no walking and the nights are getting dark really early as well . . . so by the time I get home from work, it's really too dark to walk.

I need to do something about that. I am sure the weight loss would accelerate if I got in more.

Nice thing today . . . everyone at church was telling me how wonderful I am looking and how thin. Well, I know I dont' really look thin, but I guess compared to what I was a few months ago, it is a big difference. I feel really good about things.

One thing I have noticed . . . I will say to myself and even go so far as to pick up a piece of chocolate and then I think . . . why bother, it doesn't even taste good and so I don't eat it. And that's the truth. It doesn't taste good, at least not like it used to.

So that's my update for now. Be back soon with more news from the Incredible Shrinking Woman <==== That's me!!! yeee hawww!!! (feels good!)

An emotional week

Sorry that I didn't get back on here like I promised to the other day. I have had a really harsh week, and an emotional one. After the joy I felt the other morning at having been down four pounds, I then went in to work and I could tell right away that my boss had been on a rampage. She gets like that periodically and I suppose because I am the one employee that she knows won't storm off in a huff and quit . . . I am usually the one who bears the brunt of it. I am a kind person with a soft heart and she knows this . . . When I went into work on Monday morning I knew right away that it was going to be a bad day. I had already been feeling a bit sad and down because of family issues and then when I walked into the kitchen where I work I could tell she had been going through cupboards and things . . .

This is always a bad sign. The last time she did this to me was Easter of this past year, and at that time I was called everything from filthy to lazy and indolent. She has a warped idea of things really, and I know I shouldn't take the things she says personally and to heart. I should know that this is her problem, and not make it mine, but it's very hard not to take things personally when she is saying things like she does to me. In the past , this would have sent me straight to my chocolate stash, for soothing comfort and solace.

This was a real test, and I'm happy to say that I passed it for the most part. Oh, I did have a few weak moments, but I just told myself that I wasn't going to let her small mindedness and her failings cause me to lose faith in myself or to trip up where I have done so well. I know I'm not lazy, filthy or indolent . . . nor am I stupid and worthless.

One of the things that has helped me the most on this journey has been the little conversations that I have had with Margaret . . . conversations that have helped me to work out emotional issues which in the past have caused me to turn to food when I am down, or upset, or laid emotionally bare . . . Talking to Margaret has helped me to find and discover different ways of dealing with these types of triggers, rather than turning to food. This has been a real God send.

After having spent so long in an abusive relationship with my ex husband and having escaped, and then with having to deal with a boss who is a bit of a nutcase and emotionally abusive from time to time, I really needed the help that Margaret has been able to give me in that way.

I know that I can't really change the way my boss speaks to me or the way that she treats me from time to time . . . but I can change the way I react to it, and I can cease to let it have the power over me that it has done in the past.

So, whilst I did feel a bit injured earlier this week, and a bit emotioanlly raw . . . I did not cave in to it and allow it to destroy all the hard work I have done.

One-on-one Therapy is something that you can't get from a book or a cd, and it's worth every penny. It's completely tailored to you as an individual and it's personal. I truly believe that it's been the secret to my success thus far.

I know it can't go on forever . . . and I confess, I am a bit afraid of what will happen when it all ends . . . but then, I know that if I ever need to see Margaret for a bit of a refresher I can, and I will. This is just too darned important to me, as is my well being.

The good news is . . . I didn't go off the rails, and "She" didn't win.

Going DOWN DOWN DOWN!!

Down another 4 pounds this morning from last week!!! I am soooo pleased. I am so very grateful to a husband who was supportive and loving enough to allow me to do this and I am eternally grateful to Margaret who showed me the way. Will be back later for a more indepth post, but for now I just had to share my joy!

Thursday 22 October 2009

142.75 lbs today!  Going down slowly again after my little lapse. 

You know, convincing myself that the odd couple of pounds now and then isn't important was a very hard thing to do.  I didn't believe that because of all the years I had spent being conditioned to failure.  Being a fat  child was, I thought, my first failure and it all went downhill from there.  I have always had a running battle going on.

It does get harder, I think, to lose weight as you get older.  Your body changes, your hormones change, your lifestyle changes - YOU change.  Personally, I'm a more laid back character than I used to be.  When I was younger there was always someone I was trying to impress, from the boss to the neighbours.  Whatever YOU had, we had a more up-to-date one or a shinier one.  I'm not bothered any more.  I only want to lose weight because I don't feel comfortable heavier but if  I want to eat a bit of chocolate I will.  Trust me, I know what I'm doing!

There's a lot of eating about to happen in the next couple of weeks because of Keith's birthday and our little holiday in Blackpool but one thing you won't be hearing from me is "I can't, I'm on a diet". 

What is Hypno Therapy

A lot of people have asked me what exactly is hypno therapy. What happens exactly. Hypno Therapy is a combination of things. Yes, there is hypnosis, but there is also therapy which goes hand in hand with the hypnosis. I have found the therapy part of it to be so very helpful. Margaret and I talk about things. There is always an underlying reason to why we do the things we do, why we have the habits we have. Being able to talk about these things with Margaret has really helped me to reason out why I have had this problem relationship with food that I have had for so long. I really think the therapy sessions have been the secret to my success thus far.

Hypnosis is not at all scary. It's a bit like daydreaming. Sometimes I am totally aware the whole time of what is going on, and then at others I am not. It all depends on which level I am able to relax down into. Always, it is relaxing and calming. I just find myself drifting off into another "plane" of existance I guess, where I am neither asleep, nor am I totally awake, but I am aware, and I can stop it any time I feel the need to do so. It's a way to get in touch with my inner consciousness.

This week I thought I would see how I would get along without writing down everything I eat. I am 4 days into that idea and I don't like it. I am going to start writing everything down again today. When I write it all down, I feel much better about it. I want to be totally conscious of what I am putting into my mouth, and not taking note of it just makes it too easy to forget . . . I have little journals that I write down everything I eat in, and my level of hunger, and what I am doing when I eat, etc. This has been very helpful to me. I stop and think before I go to eat something . . . do I really want to have to write this down??? If the answer is no, then it's probably a good indication that I shouldn't be eating it! (and so I don't eat it.) Sure, I could cheat and not write it down, but then . . . who would I really be cheating? I think we all know the answer to that one.

And so today I will start writing it all down again.

Whew!! That feels better!!