An emotional week

Sorry that I didn't get back on here like I promised to the other day. I have had a really harsh week, and an emotional one. After the joy I felt the other morning at having been down four pounds, I then went in to work and I could tell right away that my boss had been on a rampage. She gets like that periodically and I suppose because I am the one employee that she knows won't storm off in a huff and quit . . . I am usually the one who bears the brunt of it. I am a kind person with a soft heart and she knows this . . . When I went into work on Monday morning I knew right away that it was going to be a bad day. I had already been feeling a bit sad and down because of family issues and then when I walked into the kitchen where I work I could tell she had been going through cupboards and things . . .

This is always a bad sign. The last time she did this to me was Easter of this past year, and at that time I was called everything from filthy to lazy and indolent. She has a warped idea of things really, and I know I shouldn't take the things she says personally and to heart. I should know that this is her problem, and not make it mine, but it's very hard not to take things personally when she is saying things like she does to me. In the past , this would have sent me straight to my chocolate stash, for soothing comfort and solace.

This was a real test, and I'm happy to say that I passed it for the most part. Oh, I did have a few weak moments, but I just told myself that I wasn't going to let her small mindedness and her failings cause me to lose faith in myself or to trip up where I have done so well. I know I'm not lazy, filthy or indolent . . . nor am I stupid and worthless.

One of the things that has helped me the most on this journey has been the little conversations that I have had with Margaret . . . conversations that have helped me to work out emotional issues which in the past have caused me to turn to food when I am down, or upset, or laid emotionally bare . . . Talking to Margaret has helped me to find and discover different ways of dealing with these types of triggers, rather than turning to food. This has been a real God send.

After having spent so long in an abusive relationship with my ex husband and having escaped, and then with having to deal with a boss who is a bit of a nutcase and emotionally abusive from time to time, I really needed the help that Margaret has been able to give me in that way.

I know that I can't really change the way my boss speaks to me or the way that she treats me from time to time . . . but I can change the way I react to it, and I can cease to let it have the power over me that it has done in the past.

So, whilst I did feel a bit injured earlier this week, and a bit emotioanlly raw . . . I did not cave in to it and allow it to destroy all the hard work I have done.

One-on-one Therapy is something that you can't get from a book or a cd, and it's worth every penny. It's completely tailored to you as an individual and it's personal. I truly believe that it's been the secret to my success thus far.

I know it can't go on forever . . . and I confess, I am a bit afraid of what will happen when it all ends . . . but then, I know that if I ever need to see Margaret for a bit of a refresher I can, and I will. This is just too darned important to me, as is my well being.

The good news is . . . I didn't go off the rails, and "She" didn't win.

Going DOWN DOWN DOWN!!

Down another 4 pounds this morning from last week!!! I am soooo pleased. I am so very grateful to a husband who was supportive and loving enough to allow me to do this and I am eternally grateful to Margaret who showed me the way. Will be back later for a more indepth post, but for now I just had to share my joy!

Thursday 22 October 2009

142.75 lbs today!  Going down slowly again after my little lapse. 

You know, convincing myself that the odd couple of pounds now and then isn't important was a very hard thing to do.  I didn't believe that because of all the years I had spent being conditioned to failure.  Being a fat  child was, I thought, my first failure and it all went downhill from there.  I have always had a running battle going on.

It does get harder, I think, to lose weight as you get older.  Your body changes, your hormones change, your lifestyle changes - YOU change.  Personally, I'm a more laid back character than I used to be.  When I was younger there was always someone I was trying to impress, from the boss to the neighbours.  Whatever YOU had, we had a more up-to-date one or a shinier one.  I'm not bothered any more.  I only want to lose weight because I don't feel comfortable heavier but if  I want to eat a bit of chocolate I will.  Trust me, I know what I'm doing!

There's a lot of eating about to happen in the next couple of weeks because of Keith's birthday and our little holiday in Blackpool but one thing you won't be hearing from me is "I can't, I'm on a diet". 

What is Hypno Therapy

A lot of people have asked me what exactly is hypno therapy. What happens exactly. Hypno Therapy is a combination of things. Yes, there is hypnosis, but there is also therapy which goes hand in hand with the hypnosis. I have found the therapy part of it to be so very helpful. Margaret and I talk about things. There is always an underlying reason to why we do the things we do, why we have the habits we have. Being able to talk about these things with Margaret has really helped me to reason out why I have had this problem relationship with food that I have had for so long. I really think the therapy sessions have been the secret to my success thus far.

Hypnosis is not at all scary. It's a bit like daydreaming. Sometimes I am totally aware the whole time of what is going on, and then at others I am not. It all depends on which level I am able to relax down into. Always, it is relaxing and calming. I just find myself drifting off into another "plane" of existance I guess, where I am neither asleep, nor am I totally awake, but I am aware, and I can stop it any time I feel the need to do so. It's a way to get in touch with my inner consciousness.

This week I thought I would see how I would get along without writing down everything I eat. I am 4 days into that idea and I don't like it. I am going to start writing everything down again today. When I write it all down, I feel much better about it. I want to be totally conscious of what I am putting into my mouth, and not taking note of it just makes it too easy to forget . . . I have little journals that I write down everything I eat in, and my level of hunger, and what I am doing when I eat, etc. This has been very helpful to me. I stop and think before I go to eat something . . . do I really want to have to write this down??? If the answer is no, then it's probably a good indication that I shouldn't be eating it! (and so I don't eat it.) Sure, I could cheat and not write it down, but then . . . who would I really be cheating? I think we all know the answer to that one.

And so today I will start writing it all down again.

Whew!! That feels better!!

I hope this will work for me.

Hello.... My name is Lura. I am a 65 year old grammy who has battled my weight as long as I can remember. I used to be quite slim but it was only with extreme dieting and lots of exercise that I managed it.

...

Several years ago I injured both of my feet. I was in casts and a wheelchair for some time. The lack of exercise made me put on 40 pounds. Now that I am better, I have been trying to get the weight off without success. The doctor checked my metabolism and said that it is the lowest of anyone he has ever checked. My BMR is 875. I keep trying but have more or less given up being slim again.

...

A few weeks ago Marie told me about Paul McKenna's book "I Can Make You Thin". She told me Angie had read the book and was listening to the CD. I ordered the book and read it 4 weeks ago. It makes sense to me. I listen to the CD everyday...I even listened to it every day of my recent 2 week vacation. I have not weighed. I want to but I am afraid if I do and see that I have not lost weight that I will get discouraged and give up. (I have done that in the past.) I am only eating when I am hungry...and only until I am satisfied. I think my clothes are looser, but I am not sure. I am so hoping this will work for me. I hope...I hope...I hope...

Eating to Hunger

I've had another good week, down another 3 pounds since the last time I weighed in. I keep waiting to hit that brick wall, but am remaining optomistic. I am continuing to eat to hunger, which means I only eat when I am hungry and only until I have had enough.

Once you learn to recognize when your body is actually hungry and to recognize when you have had enough . . . it is really easy to do.

I know when I am hungry because I get a gnawing feeling in my stomache . . . I start to think about food and my tummy starts to growl. It is not because I am bored, or because I am anxious. It is because I am genuinely hungry. That is when I know it is time to have something to eat.

It's not good to wait until I am ravenous though . . . those are the times when I am more than likely to over do it, and so I try very hard to never let myself get that hungry. Being ravenous is almost actually painful. It's not a good thing.

When I am eating, I concentrate on my food and I enjoy every mouthful. I eat slowly and consciously. I am aware of every spoon or fork ful and they are all delightful to me. I know I have had enough when what I am eating starts to lose it's appeal. I know that if I eat much more than that I will begin to feel uncomfortable and that's also not a good thing.

For years and years I never knew what it was to feel these two things. I was almost always hungry and never, ever full.

I cannot imagine ever being like that again. That IS a good thing!

Thursday 8th October

Now just let this be a lesson to me!  Over the past 4 weeks I have put ON a pound and a half!  I promised myself I would only get on the scales every two weeks.  I can't exercise much because of the wheelchair so my weight loss has to be achieved by following the rule - the ONLY real rule - "Are you really hungry?".  The Thursday before last, when I should have been weighed, I forgot, last Thursday the scales were not in the bathroom and as I didn't know where Keith had put them (he thought he was tidying the bathroom) I never gave them another thought.  Today, everything was back in place and there, before my very eyes, was the stark, awful truth.

I know a pound and a half doesn't seem much to gain but it represents another fortnight's effort to get it off again.

BUT having given my hands a smack I shall re-read Paul McKdenna's book "I can make you thin" - not as an imposition but as a re-inspiration.

In two weeks time I'll write again and will have better to report.

love, Angie, xx