What a week!!

I have just had the craziest week ever. It's been really wierd. Some really crazy stuff has gone down at work and I find myself in a really scary place. My employers have separated, right out of the blue and I am now very uncertain as to my future. The husband walked out last Thursday without telling anyone and when his wife got home from her latest trip, a note was waiting for her on the bed. When I went to go into work that night, she told me to go home, I was not needed and not to come in again until I was told. I have gone back once this week, to do something for her as she is leaving for America tomorrow, but I had to go in when she wasn't there. I guess this is one of the down sides of working as a chef for a family and living where you work . . . I am now wondering if at the end of this month I will still have a job or a place to live. Very uncertain.

Happy to say though that I am sticking with my good eating habits. Only eating when hungry and only until satisfied. I haven't been as good as I should about writing everything down. I really need to get with it . . . and I need to be drinking more water. Down 2 more pounds.

I keep waiting for it to stop working. I wonder if this is normal. I suppose that having been on so many diets in the past 20 years and having failed at dieting for 20 years, it is normal to be a little afraid in that way.

We have gone walking a few times over the past week. I wish I had a wii fit. My boss tried to tell me that I should get our dog to give me one for Christmas. She said you should always let the dog buy you a pressie for Christmas. Somehow I don't think that one would wash with my husband!! I think I will have to earn it.

We have booked our tickets to go home to Canada in July and so now the pressure is on to really look good for then!

I guess that's all that is new. Will keep you all posted as to what happens next!! ☺

No Such Thing as Failure

One thing I have learnt through reading and (occasionally) contributing to this blog is that it's much easier to achieve SOMETHING - maybe not a lot - but some small success if I don't set any expectations or goals for myself.

Being in a wheelchair I can't rely on walking and work-outs to help me along, though I'm sure they would.  What I eat and, more importantly, when I eat it really matters to me. 

I have learnt not to mind too much if the scales stay the same for ages.  If I don't lose any weight for weeks I know there could be 3 reasons.  The first would be if I forgot the golden rule about eating only when I'm hungry.  The second would be eating beyond being pleasantly satisfied.  The third would be that I am where I am meant to be for now.  The only time I really do a double-take is if the scales go UP. 

I stressed about my weight for years and yo-yo dieted all my life and all because I was always trying to fit into a pattern dictated by other people.  Now I do it only for me and I'm not in competition with anyone.   Now, though I know I ought to weigh less, I am OK with me.  Now I understand that we only fail in the eyes of others.

Therefore there is no such thing as failure.

February

Well, here it is the beginning of February. I am pleased that I am "three stone-and-some" lighter than I was last year at this time, but had still hoped that it would be a greater loss, not that I am complaining, because a loss, is a loss, is a loss.

This past week has been somewhat of a struggle. I have been listening to my cd's every morning and also the one on my ipod every day, but I have not been feeling well. I have had a terrible rotten cold and also I am very tired as I have not been sleeping well because of that, plus I have had a lot of extra hours to put in at work.

The big house that I work in has been filled with Germans as well as their guest house and so that means there is a lot of really good chocolate around, Swiss chocolate no less. I am only human and I have imbibed . . . not like I would have done at one time, because after all, there is no bad food is there . . . only bad habits, and so I am a bit annoyed at myself that I have wasted some of my hunger on empty calories instead of good food which would have done me a lot better. To be perfectly honest it doesn't even taste all that good to me anymore . . . and I had it more out of habit than anything else. That little part of my brain that told me . . . "Oh boy, this is Swiss chocolate, right from Switzerland no less. You better eat some now as you never know when you will have it again."

Result . . . no real loss this week again. But I have only myself to blame. I have been so busy and so ill that I haven't been writing things down and I have been picking. I haven't really felt like eating a meal, and to be honest some days with the hours I have been working, there hasn't been time to have a meal. Picking is what got me where I was when I started all of this. You know . . . unconscious eating . . . eating without purpose or thought.

I had a good long think about it last night when I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep while my nose ran and my eyes streamed with this lousy cold. I thought about how important it is for me to look my very best when I go to visit my family in Canada in July. I thought about how my dad has diabetes and my mother has a heart condition and how I am not getting any younger and how I need to be more careful.

Today the sun shone for a short time, and as mucky as it was I took the dog over across the orchards for a good long walk. It was a hard slog as the ground is really wet, but it felt good and cleared a few of the cobwebs from my head.

Right now I have a tasty bean and pasta soup simmering on the hob. It smells good and to be perfectly honest . . . it will probably taste ten times better than that Swiss Chocolate ever did.

I am really proud of myself for having done so well, and I am so grateful to Margaret and the program. I am a much different person this February than I was last February. I have way more confidence in myself and I think well of myself. I am a much smaller person size wise and I have faith in myself that I can continue to do this.

Remember . . . it doesn't matter that much what you eat in a day. You may slip up one day and have something that's not really all that good for you, but . . . it's not the end of the world . . . what really matters is what you eat in a week. It's ok to have a treat once in a while, as long as it's only once in a while. A steady diet of treats and indulgences is what makes people fat. Period. The raw truth, but the truth.

That's one thing I like most about this program. It helps to decriminalize food. Somehow when something is not forbidden any more, it no longer has the enticement power that it used to have. Hey that means I have the power now, not the food.

That's a very good thing!

Plateaus and Persevering.

Sorry it has been so long since I posted. This is really just a quick update as I am very busy at work these days! What with luncheons to cook for and dinner parties. This weekend alone, I have a dinner party on Friday night, a Christening Luncheon (for 30 people) on Saturday and a brunch on Sunday. I still have all the shopping to do for each occasion and the cooking. There will be no rest for the wicked this weekend for sure!

Since I last posted I had hit somewhat of a plateau. My weight was not going down, nor was it going up. (thankfully!) It was a bit of a bummer . . . we all like to see the scales going down and it can be a bit discouraging to see it staying the same . . . day after day after day.

I knew it wouldnt' stay that way forever though. I have kept applying the principles to my life and living as I have been living. Only eating when hungry and only eating until satisfied, and moving my body. And finally two days ago, the scales went down another two pounds. Yayy!!!

I haven't lost my mojo.

Post Holidays

Well, here I am . . .

One Staff Christmas Party
One Italian Lunch with a friend
One Church Christmas Party
One Christmas Lunch
One Boxing Day Lunch
One New Years Eve Feast
One New Years Day Dinner
A few Christmas goodies, and chocolates and nibbles
and all the goodies in between
later . . .

and I managed to get through it all without putting on an ounce. I ate exactly what I wanted to eat. I did not feel deprived. I enjoyed every mouthful, and it was all delicious. I even induldged myself in a few chocolate treats, which were very good I must say.

but with only eating when I was hungry, and only eating until I was satisfied, I managed to get through it all intact!

This has been life saving to me and getting through this holiday season as well as I have done has shown me that I can live like this for the rest of my life, without fear that one day I will wake up and have been sprinkled by the fat fairy who will have undone all the good done by Margaret and the Happy Weight Program!!!! That is a real biggie. Like anyone who has had a measure of success with the program, and who has gone through a lifetime of dieting and dieting failure . . . the fear of it stopping working all of a sudden is a really big fear to face, and to work your way through. Every other time I have failed, failed, failed.

Today I feel successful, and that's just wonderful. I feel in control. I feel happy and I feel satisfied. I also feel very, very grateful.

A year ago, I was three stone heavier, and resigned to the probability that I would spend the rest of my life looking fat, feeling weighed down by it all, feeling sick and tired, and wanting to hide from the world. The inevitable fat lady smiling on the outside, whilst her heart is breaking on the inside. Eating in secret so that nobody would look at me and say, how disgusting . . . look at that fat lady stuffing her face. (my mother's voice echo's here) I thought I would die young, fat and unhealthy. This new year sits before me with promise! I have conquered my fat demons and I feel better and healthier than I have in a very long time.

I know I can continue on and get to the place I want to be weight wise, and that I will be able to stay there. I no longer feel like a failure. Today I feel like a winner and that's a very good thing.

Here's to 2010 and the ongoing adventure that awaits me on my journey as the incredible shrinking woman!!

How I am doing.

Well, I am happy to say I am holding my own! Last Monday was our works Christmas Party. Lots of food and drink about, but I was not tempted to splurge or go overboard, thankfully. Quite surprising really, as in years gone past, I would have loaded my plate up and then gone back for more! I was really sensible. I knew that I wouldn't be able to eat an awful lot so I only took what I thought I could eat and even then I couldn't eat it all and had to leave some on my plate. Hooray!!! Then with the pudding, I only asked for a small spoonful, and then had that with a small spoonful of cream. It was lovely and just the right amount. Then the cheese course, I had a taste, just enough to satisfay and that was great also. I felt absolutely happy with what I had eaten and when I weighed myself at the end of the week, all was well. I had gone neither up, nor down. Whew!! Pretty wonderful stuff!

I also went out for lunch with my friend Jo on Thursday. We went to an Italian place in Tunbridge Wells. I was looking forward to this as it had been a while since I had seen Jo and I never get to eat Italian much at home. Todd is not an Italian lover. We had garlic bread to start, and wow, were we surprised when it came. It was like a pizza! I had a small slice as I knew if I ate any more of it I would not be able to eat my lunch. I had the ricotta and spinach ravioli on a bed of rocket with a fresh tomato and cream sauce. It was gorgeous, but again, I could only eat about a third of it. I was completely happy and satisfied after eating only a third and had the will power to be able to stop there. It is amazing and I am soooo happy with this.

I am fitting into clothes that I haven't been able to wear for a long time and I am feeling really good about myself. I still have quite a ways to go of course, but I feel confident that I will get there and very happy with the choices I am making.

I love this. As long as I pay attention to the signals my body is giving me then I am able to totally control what I am eating. It feels so good to finally be in control of my body instead of it being the other way around!

Now . . . if I could only control my spending!!! I wonder if Margaret gives help with that . . .

Merry Christmas everyone!

Thoughts three weeks before Christmas

I have lost very close to 3 stone now, which is amazing to me. If you are not familiar with stones, a stone is the equivalent of 14 pounds of weight, so that is 'perty' nigh close to 42 pounds in weight. It seems amazing to me that a year ago, just a few weeks before Christmas, I had no idea that this is what the year would bring to me. I am ever so grateful that Todd was listening to the radio on that fateful day in June and that he was supportive enough of me to have said go for it! I am also ever so grateful to Margaret and all the support and help she has given me. She has given me back control of my life, or at least helped me to find the strength to take back the control of my life from the eating disorder that was slowly destroying it!!!

I put on my winter coat to go to the grocery store yesterday morning and it literally was hanging on me. It felt good and at the same time let me know that I am going to be having to get myself some new clothes soon.

This is the lowest in weight I have been in a great many years now and yes . . . I am beginning to have skin issues. This is one of the things that had kept me from really going for it before now, or should I say one of the excuses that I used to keep me from pursuing losing the weight seriously in the past. Now I say, pooh to that! It is inevitable that I will have excess skin and I shall have to do whatever I have to do to get rid, even if that means surgery . . . so be it. I can begin to understand the words . . . nothing tastes as good as thin feels. There is some truth there, scary as that might be. But then . . . any extreme is not good, not healthy, not to be embraced.

The thought occurs to me this morning that I am not just doing this for myself. I am doing this for all the fat women in my life . . . this is for my grandmother who weighed close to 300 pounds when she passed away, and who I never saw thin. For my Aunt Freda, who had a smiling face and a kind heart, but who would have given anything to be thin. For all my friends who have fought and are fighting the same battle. Don't give in. You can do it. We can do it.

The Christmas Holidays are upon us and with it all the indulgences that usually accompany them. The office parties, the holiday visits, the Christmas dinners and treats . . . I am not afraid this year. I am armed with all the tools I need to get through them intact.

My youngest son turns 21 tomorrow. That is the last time I remember being thin . . . for not too long after he was born I had my tubes tied and I quit smoking and the battle with my weight began. He is the only one of my children that has absolutely no recollection of me ever being thin. He has only ever known me as being fat. That makes me feel sad. I don't want him to only ever remember me as being fat. I want him to remember me as being a strong woman who was not afraid to stand up for what she believed in, who had the strength to walk away from an abusive marriage, who had the courage to stand up for what she believed in, who had talents that she was not afraid to explore and who had the power to wrest control of her life back from the demons that tried to steal it from her.

Bring on the turkey and the stuffing. I can handle it.