How I am doing.

Well, I am happy to say I am holding my own! Last Monday was our works Christmas Party. Lots of food and drink about, but I was not tempted to splurge or go overboard, thankfully. Quite surprising really, as in years gone past, I would have loaded my plate up and then gone back for more! I was really sensible. I knew that I wouldn't be able to eat an awful lot so I only took what I thought I could eat and even then I couldn't eat it all and had to leave some on my plate. Hooray!!! Then with the pudding, I only asked for a small spoonful, and then had that with a small spoonful of cream. It was lovely and just the right amount. Then the cheese course, I had a taste, just enough to satisfay and that was great also. I felt absolutely happy with what I had eaten and when I weighed myself at the end of the week, all was well. I had gone neither up, nor down. Whew!! Pretty wonderful stuff!

I also went out for lunch with my friend Jo on Thursday. We went to an Italian place in Tunbridge Wells. I was looking forward to this as it had been a while since I had seen Jo and I never get to eat Italian much at home. Todd is not an Italian lover. We had garlic bread to start, and wow, were we surprised when it came. It was like a pizza! I had a small slice as I knew if I ate any more of it I would not be able to eat my lunch. I had the ricotta and spinach ravioli on a bed of rocket with a fresh tomato and cream sauce. It was gorgeous, but again, I could only eat about a third of it. I was completely happy and satisfied after eating only a third and had the will power to be able to stop there. It is amazing and I am soooo happy with this.

I am fitting into clothes that I haven't been able to wear for a long time and I am feeling really good about myself. I still have quite a ways to go of course, but I feel confident that I will get there and very happy with the choices I am making.

I love this. As long as I pay attention to the signals my body is giving me then I am able to totally control what I am eating. It feels so good to finally be in control of my body instead of it being the other way around!

Now . . . if I could only control my spending!!! I wonder if Margaret gives help with that . . .

Merry Christmas everyone!

Thoughts three weeks before Christmas

I have lost very close to 3 stone now, which is amazing to me. If you are not familiar with stones, a stone is the equivalent of 14 pounds of weight, so that is 'perty' nigh close to 42 pounds in weight. It seems amazing to me that a year ago, just a few weeks before Christmas, I had no idea that this is what the year would bring to me. I am ever so grateful that Todd was listening to the radio on that fateful day in June and that he was supportive enough of me to have said go for it! I am also ever so grateful to Margaret and all the support and help she has given me. She has given me back control of my life, or at least helped me to find the strength to take back the control of my life from the eating disorder that was slowly destroying it!!!

I put on my winter coat to go to the grocery store yesterday morning and it literally was hanging on me. It felt good and at the same time let me know that I am going to be having to get myself some new clothes soon.

This is the lowest in weight I have been in a great many years now and yes . . . I am beginning to have skin issues. This is one of the things that had kept me from really going for it before now, or should I say one of the excuses that I used to keep me from pursuing losing the weight seriously in the past. Now I say, pooh to that! It is inevitable that I will have excess skin and I shall have to do whatever I have to do to get rid, even if that means surgery . . . so be it. I can begin to understand the words . . . nothing tastes as good as thin feels. There is some truth there, scary as that might be. But then . . . any extreme is not good, not healthy, not to be embraced.

The thought occurs to me this morning that I am not just doing this for myself. I am doing this for all the fat women in my life . . . this is for my grandmother who weighed close to 300 pounds when she passed away, and who I never saw thin. For my Aunt Freda, who had a smiling face and a kind heart, but who would have given anything to be thin. For all my friends who have fought and are fighting the same battle. Don't give in. You can do it. We can do it.

The Christmas Holidays are upon us and with it all the indulgences that usually accompany them. The office parties, the holiday visits, the Christmas dinners and treats . . . I am not afraid this year. I am armed with all the tools I need to get through them intact.

My youngest son turns 21 tomorrow. That is the last time I remember being thin . . . for not too long after he was born I had my tubes tied and I quit smoking and the battle with my weight began. He is the only one of my children that has absolutely no recollection of me ever being thin. He has only ever known me as being fat. That makes me feel sad. I don't want him to only ever remember me as being fat. I want him to remember me as being a strong woman who was not afraid to stand up for what she believed in, who had the strength to walk away from an abusive marriage, who had the courage to stand up for what she believed in, who had talents that she was not afraid to explore and who had the power to wrest control of her life back from the demons that tried to steal it from her.

Bring on the turkey and the stuffing. I can handle it.