Early Morning Thoughts

It's quarter to three in the morning and I can't sleep. I've been awake with a headache for most of the night. I hate it when that happens, especially when I know I have important stuff to do in the morning. I've struggled with insomnia for most of my adult life. I believe it must be heriditary as I have seen my father struggle with the same thing. It can be very frustrating. Most nights I have a difficult time sitting through any program longer than half an hour on the telly, as I am falling asleep during them . . . and then I get into bed and as soon as the lights go out . . . bingo! I'm awake. It's hard to turn off your brain sometimes, but most especially when you've been working until late in the evening, which was the case for me last night.

Watching what I eat becomes harder when I am tired, or at least it always has done. It has always seemed like my control and willpower completely disappear when my brain is operating on half power. Normally, when I am really tired, such as when I occasionally work all night, the next day I could eat for England . . . devouring unconciously anything that falls within my radar. I have noticed though, since I have been doing the hypno-therapy this hasn't really been a problem. I've had to work all night several times and each time I have been able to keep the munchies to a minumum the next day, which is really and truly amazing to me.

I had posted several before and now pictures on my other page and thought it would be fun to post them here.




This is me, probably a good year and a half ago. At the largest I have ever been. I gave this the title of "Yuck." I have always hated having my picture taken, and this is one of my least favourites ever. One of the missionaries that we frequently have to dinner wanted to take a picture of Todd and myself for his memory album. I was less than thrilled, but you'd never know it from the photo. Laughing on the outside, but secretly cringing on the inside. But that's the old me . . .



This is one taken just last week. I look quite a bit smaller than in the first one, although to be sure I still have a long ways to go. I think this is the first picture I've allowed to be taken of me in years that I haven't inwardly cringed while it's been taken. My clothes are getting quite a bit looser, but I haven't gone to the expense of buying any new ones yet. Like I said . . . I still have quite a ways to go and I will wait a few more sizes before I buy anything new. That blouse is quite new though, or at least it is a newer one that I bought a few years back and was never able to wear. When I did put it on last week, it was loose. I thought I better get some use out of it before it was too late!

My maternal grandmother was a very large woman. There are very few pictures of her in existance. She hated having her picture taken and so only very rarely was anyone able to capture her image. Kind of sad really. I know how she must have felt. I also know how I feel as her grand-daughter and how much I would love to have a picture of her that I could look at and love. It doesn't matter to me that she was large in stature. I love her anyways and when I get to the other side I shall tell her so . . . she died of cancer when I was around 5 years old. I had always been her favourite grandchild, and I miss her still.

One of the things that this therapy program has been really helpful with is with learning to be more accepting of myself, fat or thin. I think that probably we are always our own worst critics when it comes to things like that, and I have always been really harsh on myself . . . could barely look at myself in the mirror a lot of the time. Even when I was thin, I never really felt pretty. That probably has a lot to do with having been married to an emotionally and mentally abusive man. It was his purpose in life to make me feel useless and unattractive. I wish I'd known then what I know now.

I'm rather beautifully created I think . . . and it's all natural!