OPEN LETTER TO GOD (written last week by Great-Granny Grandma)

"For what I am doing, I do not understand.
For what I will to do, that I do not practice,
but what I hate, that I do." - (Romans 7:15)

Dear God:

This morning I got on the scale fully expecting to have lost some weight after all the prepping and cleansing I had done for yesterday's colonoscopy and discovered, instead, that I have actually gained 1.5 lbs.  And why should that surprise me, considering the shameful binge I went on the day before the prep, and then again when I got home from the procedure, rationalizing that I would get back on track today.  What was I thinking?

Now I'm sitting here reminiscing, as I write to you, and realizing that all my ailments--without exception--have been a direct result of my own failure to take proper care of this one body I was entrusted with.  I have done it to myself, and even worse, to the temple of your Holy Spirit who dwells in me (1 Cor. 6:19).  And so, again, for the umpteenth time, I repent, and pray that you would help me stand strong in the face of temptation, and glorify you by being obedient to your Word so you can work through me in ways that a watching world can see.

I thank you for your mercy and grace, for your unconditional love despite my repeated failures, and that I am still special in your sight.  I am grateful beyond words for your compassion and that you never, ever give up on me--even when I'm ready to give up on myself.

Sometimes I think I'm getting way too old for this work in progress thing, but I know that's just another lie of the enemy.  With You, it is never too late, and we are never too far gone or beyond forgiveness.  So once again, I pick myself up, and holding on to the image of that great crowd of witnesses in the heavenlies watching me run my race and cheering me on (Hebrews 12:1), step up to the plate.  Please help me to make it this time around.  I cannot do it without you.

Back on Track

I am back on track now. I had really let things slide . . . not listening to my cd, not keeping a food diary, etc.

I am determined not to let this beat me. I have started to keep my food diary again. I am listening to my cd, and also to my ipod.

A small setback does not mean failure. It is only a small setback. I have really been through the mill these past few months. Not an excuse, I know . . . but still. I have gained back 4 pounds . . . and lost it, and gained it . . . and lost it . . . right now I have gained it again. I know it could be worse, but still I don't want this to be the thin edge of a heavy wedge. Time to get back to basics.

Life, you might knock me down from time to time, but you'll never keep me there.

I am back in fighting form and determined to move forward again.
Wish me luck!

MAY 16th, 2010 - posted by Sandy (aka Great-Granny Grandma)

"...it is God who works in you both to
will and to do for His good pleasure."
(Philippians 2:13)

Well, I'm back after a somewhat lengthy absence during which I felt like a hypocrite and deleted all my posts to this blog.  My story, if I shared it, would be practically verbatim to Angie's confessional in her last post, so I'll spare you the details --except one.

I keep doing (and not doing) the same things over and over and expecting different results.  Does anyone else relate to that? 

Today I enter the battlefield once again, and take comfort in the above Scriptute.  Today I give up trying to do this in my own strength and turn it over to the Lord.  Today my prayer is, Lord, please give me the willingness and commitment to get rid of this idol (food) in my life and start honoring you with the way I treat my body.  Amen!

Me too . . .

I think I have lost and gained the same four pounds half a dozen times over these past weeks. I have no excuse. I haven't been listening to my cd every morning, or paying attention to what I am eating like I should be. I have been overly distracted by my other problems, health and otherwise. I need to give myself a good kick in the pants as well. I tell myself every morning, today I am going to do better and then I don't. I have been trying to take long walks every day though, which hasn't been easy. I have been told I probably have Pagets Disease. I am experiencing an incredible amount of pain in my right hip, knee, thigh, ankle, etc. In short all the way from my lower back down to my ankle and all on the right hand side of my body. I wish Margaret was here . . . We have really been through the mill during these past few months and we still have a few hardships to go through yet. Things are pretty bad financially at the moment. I need to start writing everything down again and tracking what I am eating and why, and listening to my cd's again. I haven't actually put any weight on, what with taking it off again, but I haven't lost any further than I was several months ago. This could be disheartening, but in the light of all I have been through I guess it's not too bad. I don't want to stick here though. I want the scales to start moving down again.

Friday 14th May

Sorry, but I have to use this blog a bit like a confessional today  .............."forgive me readers for I have sinned"............

I have put on weight like it's going out of fashion!  I can only blame myself because at the end of the day it's me who puts the food in my mouth.

I have stopped listening to my body and eating only when I reach a certain state of hunger

I have omitted to stop eating when I'm pleasantly full.  It's easy enough to do this by only giving myself a small portion on a small plate and having seconds if I really need.  I know I'm much more likely to stop eating this way because I'm too flipping idle to go fetch any more.

I have been baking all sorts of goodies and helping to make sure they  don't go to waste!

In short, I have sat here getting fat.  I don't like it, I'm doing myself no favours and I need a quick kick up the bum!  Now. 






Well - this is a good start

Just a last few words before I move

The scales are packed and we are on our way. I won't have any internet access until a few days after we get settled in at the other end. This has been a rough ride. I won't kid you. I have not lost any weight, but neither have I gained any. The past few weeks have just been very unsettled and I have not gotten in a lot of exercise, unless of course you count wrapping and packing. Things will get back on track once we have settled. Wish me luck!! xxoo

Still losing

I've been through the most incredibly tumultuous couple of weeks, but I'm happy to report that I am still losing. I weighed myself just prior to having a bath last night (very abnormal for me as I usually weigh myself first thing in the morning) and I was down another 2 pounds, so that is good.

It's not easy to lose your home and your job all together. It is a very, very scary place to be. In days gone by, I probably would have soothed myself by eating everything in sight, again and again. I am happy to report that so far this just hasn't happened.

I was a bit worried that I would have put on weight after having spent a week in Chester looking for a new place to live. All we had to eat when we were there was fast food, mostly from McDonalds, cos it's the cheapest place to eat . . . although to be honest, I tried to choose the healthiest options that I could. We did do an ultra amount of walking though, so that probably helped a lot to keep things moving in the right direction!

Now we are super busy sorting through everything and getting our things ready to move. Things are still quite uncertain as I have not heard from my employer at all, except a brief phone call from his PA to tell me that I didn't need to go into work again and to get on with sorting ourselves out. He had told us that if we needed any help to let him know, but Todd's e-mail doing just that has been totally ignored, and not even acknowledged.

This is just so wrong. I know that I am entitled to redundancy pay, so hopefully that will be forthcoming . . . but when being made redundant also means you lose the very roof over your head . . . we feel that we are at least entitled to relocation costs as well. We shall see what happens . . . but whatever it is, I hope it happens soon, as we are getting down to the crunch here. There are only 2 1/2 weeks left before we need to be out of this house.

Your ongoing prayers and happy thoughts would be very much appreciated!!

I'm feeling a bit down

I've just been made reduntant. That means I am losing my job and my home and they want us to move out asap. My head is spinning. I never slept a wink last night and I am just shaking. Could y'all share prayer for me. Thanks. I've been told I will have an excellent reference as I am an excellent cook, but they will no longer require the services of a cook, and in fact they are planning on either selling our cottage or renting it out. I think devastated is the word that covers how I am feeling right now.

What a week!!

I have just had the craziest week ever. It's been really wierd. Some really crazy stuff has gone down at work and I find myself in a really scary place. My employers have separated, right out of the blue and I am now very uncertain as to my future. The husband walked out last Thursday without telling anyone and when his wife got home from her latest trip, a note was waiting for her on the bed. When I went to go into work that night, she told me to go home, I was not needed and not to come in again until I was told. I have gone back once this week, to do something for her as she is leaving for America tomorrow, but I had to go in when she wasn't there. I guess this is one of the down sides of working as a chef for a family and living where you work . . . I am now wondering if at the end of this month I will still have a job or a place to live. Very uncertain.

Happy to say though that I am sticking with my good eating habits. Only eating when hungry and only until satisfied. I haven't been as good as I should about writing everything down. I really need to get with it . . . and I need to be drinking more water. Down 2 more pounds.

I keep waiting for it to stop working. I wonder if this is normal. I suppose that having been on so many diets in the past 20 years and having failed at dieting for 20 years, it is normal to be a little afraid in that way.

We have gone walking a few times over the past week. I wish I had a wii fit. My boss tried to tell me that I should get our dog to give me one for Christmas. She said you should always let the dog buy you a pressie for Christmas. Somehow I don't think that one would wash with my husband!! I think I will have to earn it.

We have booked our tickets to go home to Canada in July and so now the pressure is on to really look good for then!

I guess that's all that is new. Will keep you all posted as to what happens next!! ☺

No Such Thing as Failure

One thing I have learnt through reading and (occasionally) contributing to this blog is that it's much easier to achieve SOMETHING - maybe not a lot - but some small success if I don't set any expectations or goals for myself.

Being in a wheelchair I can't rely on walking and work-outs to help me along, though I'm sure they would.  What I eat and, more importantly, when I eat it really matters to me. 

I have learnt not to mind too much if the scales stay the same for ages.  If I don't lose any weight for weeks I know there could be 3 reasons.  The first would be if I forgot the golden rule about eating only when I'm hungry.  The second would be eating beyond being pleasantly satisfied.  The third would be that I am where I am meant to be for now.  The only time I really do a double-take is if the scales go UP. 

I stressed about my weight for years and yo-yo dieted all my life and all because I was always trying to fit into a pattern dictated by other people.  Now I do it only for me and I'm not in competition with anyone.   Now, though I know I ought to weigh less, I am OK with me.  Now I understand that we only fail in the eyes of others.

Therefore there is no such thing as failure.

February

Well, here it is the beginning of February. I am pleased that I am "three stone-and-some" lighter than I was last year at this time, but had still hoped that it would be a greater loss, not that I am complaining, because a loss, is a loss, is a loss.

This past week has been somewhat of a struggle. I have been listening to my cd's every morning and also the one on my ipod every day, but I have not been feeling well. I have had a terrible rotten cold and also I am very tired as I have not been sleeping well because of that, plus I have had a lot of extra hours to put in at work.

The big house that I work in has been filled with Germans as well as their guest house and so that means there is a lot of really good chocolate around, Swiss chocolate no less. I am only human and I have imbibed . . . not like I would have done at one time, because after all, there is no bad food is there . . . only bad habits, and so I am a bit annoyed at myself that I have wasted some of my hunger on empty calories instead of good food which would have done me a lot better. To be perfectly honest it doesn't even taste all that good to me anymore . . . and I had it more out of habit than anything else. That little part of my brain that told me . . . "Oh boy, this is Swiss chocolate, right from Switzerland no less. You better eat some now as you never know when you will have it again."

Result . . . no real loss this week again. But I have only myself to blame. I have been so busy and so ill that I haven't been writing things down and I have been picking. I haven't really felt like eating a meal, and to be honest some days with the hours I have been working, there hasn't been time to have a meal. Picking is what got me where I was when I started all of this. You know . . . unconscious eating . . . eating without purpose or thought.

I had a good long think about it last night when I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep while my nose ran and my eyes streamed with this lousy cold. I thought about how important it is for me to look my very best when I go to visit my family in Canada in July. I thought about how my dad has diabetes and my mother has a heart condition and how I am not getting any younger and how I need to be more careful.

Today the sun shone for a short time, and as mucky as it was I took the dog over across the orchards for a good long walk. It was a hard slog as the ground is really wet, but it felt good and cleared a few of the cobwebs from my head.

Right now I have a tasty bean and pasta soup simmering on the hob. It smells good and to be perfectly honest . . . it will probably taste ten times better than that Swiss Chocolate ever did.

I am really proud of myself for having done so well, and I am so grateful to Margaret and the program. I am a much different person this February than I was last February. I have way more confidence in myself and I think well of myself. I am a much smaller person size wise and I have faith in myself that I can continue to do this.

Remember . . . it doesn't matter that much what you eat in a day. You may slip up one day and have something that's not really all that good for you, but . . . it's not the end of the world . . . what really matters is what you eat in a week. It's ok to have a treat once in a while, as long as it's only once in a while. A steady diet of treats and indulgences is what makes people fat. Period. The raw truth, but the truth.

That's one thing I like most about this program. It helps to decriminalize food. Somehow when something is not forbidden any more, it no longer has the enticement power that it used to have. Hey that means I have the power now, not the food.

That's a very good thing!

Plateaus and Persevering.

Sorry it has been so long since I posted. This is really just a quick update as I am very busy at work these days! What with luncheons to cook for and dinner parties. This weekend alone, I have a dinner party on Friday night, a Christening Luncheon (for 30 people) on Saturday and a brunch on Sunday. I still have all the shopping to do for each occasion and the cooking. There will be no rest for the wicked this weekend for sure!

Since I last posted I had hit somewhat of a plateau. My weight was not going down, nor was it going up. (thankfully!) It was a bit of a bummer . . . we all like to see the scales going down and it can be a bit discouraging to see it staying the same . . . day after day after day.

I knew it wouldnt' stay that way forever though. I have kept applying the principles to my life and living as I have been living. Only eating when hungry and only eating until satisfied, and moving my body. And finally two days ago, the scales went down another two pounds. Yayy!!!

I haven't lost my mojo.

Post Holidays

Well, here I am . . .

One Staff Christmas Party
One Italian Lunch with a friend
One Church Christmas Party
One Christmas Lunch
One Boxing Day Lunch
One New Years Eve Feast
One New Years Day Dinner
A few Christmas goodies, and chocolates and nibbles
and all the goodies in between
later . . .

and I managed to get through it all without putting on an ounce. I ate exactly what I wanted to eat. I did not feel deprived. I enjoyed every mouthful, and it was all delicious. I even induldged myself in a few chocolate treats, which were very good I must say.

but with only eating when I was hungry, and only eating until I was satisfied, I managed to get through it all intact!

This has been life saving to me and getting through this holiday season as well as I have done has shown me that I can live like this for the rest of my life, without fear that one day I will wake up and have been sprinkled by the fat fairy who will have undone all the good done by Margaret and the Happy Weight Program!!!! That is a real biggie. Like anyone who has had a measure of success with the program, and who has gone through a lifetime of dieting and dieting failure . . . the fear of it stopping working all of a sudden is a really big fear to face, and to work your way through. Every other time I have failed, failed, failed.

Today I feel successful, and that's just wonderful. I feel in control. I feel happy and I feel satisfied. I also feel very, very grateful.

A year ago, I was three stone heavier, and resigned to the probability that I would spend the rest of my life looking fat, feeling weighed down by it all, feeling sick and tired, and wanting to hide from the world. The inevitable fat lady smiling on the outside, whilst her heart is breaking on the inside. Eating in secret so that nobody would look at me and say, how disgusting . . . look at that fat lady stuffing her face. (my mother's voice echo's here) I thought I would die young, fat and unhealthy. This new year sits before me with promise! I have conquered my fat demons and I feel better and healthier than I have in a very long time.

I know I can continue on and get to the place I want to be weight wise, and that I will be able to stay there. I no longer feel like a failure. Today I feel like a winner and that's a very good thing.

Here's to 2010 and the ongoing adventure that awaits me on my journey as the incredible shrinking woman!!