How I am doing.

Well, I am happy to say I am holding my own! Last Monday was our works Christmas Party. Lots of food and drink about, but I was not tempted to splurge or go overboard, thankfully. Quite surprising really, as in years gone past, I would have loaded my plate up and then gone back for more! I was really sensible. I knew that I wouldn't be able to eat an awful lot so I only took what I thought I could eat and even then I couldn't eat it all and had to leave some on my plate. Hooray!!! Then with the pudding, I only asked for a small spoonful, and then had that with a small spoonful of cream. It was lovely and just the right amount. Then the cheese course, I had a taste, just enough to satisfay and that was great also. I felt absolutely happy with what I had eaten and when I weighed myself at the end of the week, all was well. I had gone neither up, nor down. Whew!! Pretty wonderful stuff!

I also went out for lunch with my friend Jo on Thursday. We went to an Italian place in Tunbridge Wells. I was looking forward to this as it had been a while since I had seen Jo and I never get to eat Italian much at home. Todd is not an Italian lover. We had garlic bread to start, and wow, were we surprised when it came. It was like a pizza! I had a small slice as I knew if I ate any more of it I would not be able to eat my lunch. I had the ricotta and spinach ravioli on a bed of rocket with a fresh tomato and cream sauce. It was gorgeous, but again, I could only eat about a third of it. I was completely happy and satisfied after eating only a third and had the will power to be able to stop there. It is amazing and I am soooo happy with this.

I am fitting into clothes that I haven't been able to wear for a long time and I am feeling really good about myself. I still have quite a ways to go of course, but I feel confident that I will get there and very happy with the choices I am making.

I love this. As long as I pay attention to the signals my body is giving me then I am able to totally control what I am eating. It feels so good to finally be in control of my body instead of it being the other way around!

Now . . . if I could only control my spending!!! I wonder if Margaret gives help with that . . .

Merry Christmas everyone!

Thoughts three weeks before Christmas

I have lost very close to 3 stone now, which is amazing to me. If you are not familiar with stones, a stone is the equivalent of 14 pounds of weight, so that is 'perty' nigh close to 42 pounds in weight. It seems amazing to me that a year ago, just a few weeks before Christmas, I had no idea that this is what the year would bring to me. I am ever so grateful that Todd was listening to the radio on that fateful day in June and that he was supportive enough of me to have said go for it! I am also ever so grateful to Margaret and all the support and help she has given me. She has given me back control of my life, or at least helped me to find the strength to take back the control of my life from the eating disorder that was slowly destroying it!!!

I put on my winter coat to go to the grocery store yesterday morning and it literally was hanging on me. It felt good and at the same time let me know that I am going to be having to get myself some new clothes soon.

This is the lowest in weight I have been in a great many years now and yes . . . I am beginning to have skin issues. This is one of the things that had kept me from really going for it before now, or should I say one of the excuses that I used to keep me from pursuing losing the weight seriously in the past. Now I say, pooh to that! It is inevitable that I will have excess skin and I shall have to do whatever I have to do to get rid, even if that means surgery . . . so be it. I can begin to understand the words . . . nothing tastes as good as thin feels. There is some truth there, scary as that might be. But then . . . any extreme is not good, not healthy, not to be embraced.

The thought occurs to me this morning that I am not just doing this for myself. I am doing this for all the fat women in my life . . . this is for my grandmother who weighed close to 300 pounds when she passed away, and who I never saw thin. For my Aunt Freda, who had a smiling face and a kind heart, but who would have given anything to be thin. For all my friends who have fought and are fighting the same battle. Don't give in. You can do it. We can do it.

The Christmas Holidays are upon us and with it all the indulgences that usually accompany them. The office parties, the holiday visits, the Christmas dinners and treats . . . I am not afraid this year. I am armed with all the tools I need to get through them intact.

My youngest son turns 21 tomorrow. That is the last time I remember being thin . . . for not too long after he was born I had my tubes tied and I quit smoking and the battle with my weight began. He is the only one of my children that has absolutely no recollection of me ever being thin. He has only ever known me as being fat. That makes me feel sad. I don't want him to only ever remember me as being fat. I want him to remember me as being a strong woman who was not afraid to stand up for what she believed in, who had the strength to walk away from an abusive marriage, who had the courage to stand up for what she believed in, who had talents that she was not afraid to explore and who had the power to wrest control of her life back from the demons that tried to steal it from her.

Bring on the turkey and the stuffing. I can handle it.

There's no rest for the wicked!!

I have had a very busy few weeks. It's always like this for me in the run up to Christmas. Because I work for an American family the month of November is crazy, crazy, crazy. Family is coming and going, along with friends . . . there is the big Thanksgiving Feast to prepare and the family is busy getting ready to fly to America for their Christmas celebrations over there. To top it off the housekeeper has been off sick with swine flu for several weeks so I have been wearing two hats, both as the cook and as best as I can with the housekeepers job.

On Thanksgiving day alone I cooked a dinner for a ginormous amount of people . . . three appetizers (smoked salmon roulades, olive poppers, hot pepper cheese balls) a soup course (curried pumpkin soup with my mother's baking powder biscuits) the main course (Two roasted turkeys, cornbread stuffing, green beans with crimini mushrooms and shallots) oven braised parsnips and carrots with rosemary, wild rice and cranberry pilaff, Sweet potato souffle, Bing Cherry Salad, Gingered Cranberry Relish) and three desserts ( Pecan Pie, Gingered Pear crumble and a spiced pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting and toasted pecan garnish) Whew! I got tired just writing all of that! I don't know how they managed to eat it all, really. I got through the whole day with a bowl of cereal, a bowl of soup and a roll. I was far too busy to eat anything else. Funny thing is when I am busy at work and cooking . . . I have no interest in eating at all.

Upshot of being so busy is . . . one - I haven't been keeping up my food diary like I should. I have kept a running tab in my head but I just haven't gotten around to putting it down on paper, which I don't really like. I like seeing it in black and white. two - I am down another 3 pounds since the last time I posted, which is good, and which shows me I am still on track despite not being able to write things down and not being able to fit in any exercise. Of course the weather has been horrible so there's been no walking and the nights are getting dark really early as well . . . so by the time I get home from work, it's really too dark to walk.

I need to do something about that. I am sure the weight loss would accelerate if I got in more.

Nice thing today . . . everyone at church was telling me how wonderful I am looking and how thin. Well, I know I dont' really look thin, but I guess compared to what I was a few months ago, it is a big difference. I feel really good about things.

One thing I have noticed . . . I will say to myself and even go so far as to pick up a piece of chocolate and then I think . . . why bother, it doesn't even taste good and so I don't eat it. And that's the truth. It doesn't taste good, at least not like it used to.

So that's my update for now. Be back soon with more news from the Incredible Shrinking Woman <==== That's me!!! yeee hawww!!! (feels good!)

An emotional week

Sorry that I didn't get back on here like I promised to the other day. I have had a really harsh week, and an emotional one. After the joy I felt the other morning at having been down four pounds, I then went in to work and I could tell right away that my boss had been on a rampage. She gets like that periodically and I suppose because I am the one employee that she knows won't storm off in a huff and quit . . . I am usually the one who bears the brunt of it. I am a kind person with a soft heart and she knows this . . . When I went into work on Monday morning I knew right away that it was going to be a bad day. I had already been feeling a bit sad and down because of family issues and then when I walked into the kitchen where I work I could tell she had been going through cupboards and things . . .

This is always a bad sign. The last time she did this to me was Easter of this past year, and at that time I was called everything from filthy to lazy and indolent. She has a warped idea of things really, and I know I shouldn't take the things she says personally and to heart. I should know that this is her problem, and not make it mine, but it's very hard not to take things personally when she is saying things like she does to me. In the past , this would have sent me straight to my chocolate stash, for soothing comfort and solace.

This was a real test, and I'm happy to say that I passed it for the most part. Oh, I did have a few weak moments, but I just told myself that I wasn't going to let her small mindedness and her failings cause me to lose faith in myself or to trip up where I have done so well. I know I'm not lazy, filthy or indolent . . . nor am I stupid and worthless.

One of the things that has helped me the most on this journey has been the little conversations that I have had with Margaret . . . conversations that have helped me to work out emotional issues which in the past have caused me to turn to food when I am down, or upset, or laid emotionally bare . . . Talking to Margaret has helped me to find and discover different ways of dealing with these types of triggers, rather than turning to food. This has been a real God send.

After having spent so long in an abusive relationship with my ex husband and having escaped, and then with having to deal with a boss who is a bit of a nutcase and emotionally abusive from time to time, I really needed the help that Margaret has been able to give me in that way.

I know that I can't really change the way my boss speaks to me or the way that she treats me from time to time . . . but I can change the way I react to it, and I can cease to let it have the power over me that it has done in the past.

So, whilst I did feel a bit injured earlier this week, and a bit emotioanlly raw . . . I did not cave in to it and allow it to destroy all the hard work I have done.

One-on-one Therapy is something that you can't get from a book or a cd, and it's worth every penny. It's completely tailored to you as an individual and it's personal. I truly believe that it's been the secret to my success thus far.

I know it can't go on forever . . . and I confess, I am a bit afraid of what will happen when it all ends . . . but then, I know that if I ever need to see Margaret for a bit of a refresher I can, and I will. This is just too darned important to me, as is my well being.

The good news is . . . I didn't go off the rails, and "She" didn't win.

Going DOWN DOWN DOWN!!

Down another 4 pounds this morning from last week!!! I am soooo pleased. I am so very grateful to a husband who was supportive and loving enough to allow me to do this and I am eternally grateful to Margaret who showed me the way. Will be back later for a more indepth post, but for now I just had to share my joy!

Thursday 22 October 2009

142.75 lbs today!  Going down slowly again after my little lapse. 

You know, convincing myself that the odd couple of pounds now and then isn't important was a very hard thing to do.  I didn't believe that because of all the years I had spent being conditioned to failure.  Being a fat  child was, I thought, my first failure and it all went downhill from there.  I have always had a running battle going on.

It does get harder, I think, to lose weight as you get older.  Your body changes, your hormones change, your lifestyle changes - YOU change.  Personally, I'm a more laid back character than I used to be.  When I was younger there was always someone I was trying to impress, from the boss to the neighbours.  Whatever YOU had, we had a more up-to-date one or a shinier one.  I'm not bothered any more.  I only want to lose weight because I don't feel comfortable heavier but if  I want to eat a bit of chocolate I will.  Trust me, I know what I'm doing!

There's a lot of eating about to happen in the next couple of weeks because of Keith's birthday and our little holiday in Blackpool but one thing you won't be hearing from me is "I can't, I'm on a diet". 

What is Hypno Therapy

A lot of people have asked me what exactly is hypno therapy. What happens exactly. Hypno Therapy is a combination of things. Yes, there is hypnosis, but there is also therapy which goes hand in hand with the hypnosis. I have found the therapy part of it to be so very helpful. Margaret and I talk about things. There is always an underlying reason to why we do the things we do, why we have the habits we have. Being able to talk about these things with Margaret has really helped me to reason out why I have had this problem relationship with food that I have had for so long. I really think the therapy sessions have been the secret to my success thus far.

Hypnosis is not at all scary. It's a bit like daydreaming. Sometimes I am totally aware the whole time of what is going on, and then at others I am not. It all depends on which level I am able to relax down into. Always, it is relaxing and calming. I just find myself drifting off into another "plane" of existance I guess, where I am neither asleep, nor am I totally awake, but I am aware, and I can stop it any time I feel the need to do so. It's a way to get in touch with my inner consciousness.

This week I thought I would see how I would get along without writing down everything I eat. I am 4 days into that idea and I don't like it. I am going to start writing everything down again today. When I write it all down, I feel much better about it. I want to be totally conscious of what I am putting into my mouth, and not taking note of it just makes it too easy to forget . . . I have little journals that I write down everything I eat in, and my level of hunger, and what I am doing when I eat, etc. This has been very helpful to me. I stop and think before I go to eat something . . . do I really want to have to write this down??? If the answer is no, then it's probably a good indication that I shouldn't be eating it! (and so I don't eat it.) Sure, I could cheat and not write it down, but then . . . who would I really be cheating? I think we all know the answer to that one.

And so today I will start writing it all down again.

Whew!! That feels better!!

I hope this will work for me.

Hello.... My name is Lura. I am a 65 year old grammy who has battled my weight as long as I can remember. I used to be quite slim but it was only with extreme dieting and lots of exercise that I managed it.

...

Several years ago I injured both of my feet. I was in casts and a wheelchair for some time. The lack of exercise made me put on 40 pounds. Now that I am better, I have been trying to get the weight off without success. The doctor checked my metabolism and said that it is the lowest of anyone he has ever checked. My BMR is 875. I keep trying but have more or less given up being slim again.

...

A few weeks ago Marie told me about Paul McKenna's book "I Can Make You Thin". She told me Angie had read the book and was listening to the CD. I ordered the book and read it 4 weeks ago. It makes sense to me. I listen to the CD everyday...I even listened to it every day of my recent 2 week vacation. I have not weighed. I want to but I am afraid if I do and see that I have not lost weight that I will get discouraged and give up. (I have done that in the past.) I am only eating when I am hungry...and only until I am satisfied. I think my clothes are looser, but I am not sure. I am so hoping this will work for me. I hope...I hope...I hope...

Eating to Hunger

I've had another good week, down another 3 pounds since the last time I weighed in. I keep waiting to hit that brick wall, but am remaining optomistic. I am continuing to eat to hunger, which means I only eat when I am hungry and only until I have had enough.

Once you learn to recognize when your body is actually hungry and to recognize when you have had enough . . . it is really easy to do.

I know when I am hungry because I get a gnawing feeling in my stomache . . . I start to think about food and my tummy starts to growl. It is not because I am bored, or because I am anxious. It is because I am genuinely hungry. That is when I know it is time to have something to eat.

It's not good to wait until I am ravenous though . . . those are the times when I am more than likely to over do it, and so I try very hard to never let myself get that hungry. Being ravenous is almost actually painful. It's not a good thing.

When I am eating, I concentrate on my food and I enjoy every mouthful. I eat slowly and consciously. I am aware of every spoon or fork ful and they are all delightful to me. I know I have had enough when what I am eating starts to lose it's appeal. I know that if I eat much more than that I will begin to feel uncomfortable and that's also not a good thing.

For years and years I never knew what it was to feel these two things. I was almost always hungry and never, ever full.

I cannot imagine ever being like that again. That IS a good thing!

Thursday 8th October

Now just let this be a lesson to me!  Over the past 4 weeks I have put ON a pound and a half!  I promised myself I would only get on the scales every two weeks.  I can't exercise much because of the wheelchair so my weight loss has to be achieved by following the rule - the ONLY real rule - "Are you really hungry?".  The Thursday before last, when I should have been weighed, I forgot, last Thursday the scales were not in the bathroom and as I didn't know where Keith had put them (he thought he was tidying the bathroom) I never gave them another thought.  Today, everything was back in place and there, before my very eyes, was the stark, awful truth.

I know a pound and a half doesn't seem much to gain but it represents another fortnight's effort to get it off again.

BUT having given my hands a smack I shall re-read Paul McKdenna's book "I can make you thin" - not as an imposition but as a re-inspiration.

In two weeks time I'll write again and will have better to report.

love, Angie, xx

Still going down

I am happy to say that my weight is still going down and it is still painless. I am loving the empowerment that comes from being the master of what I eat, instead of it being the other way around.

One thing I do struggle with though, is trying to fit in the time for exercise. I know I need to do more and it has been really hard finding a time that I can fit it in to my day. I do spend 8 hours a day on my feet at work and I work really hard, but that is not exercise.

I am up at 5 o'clock every morning, trying to fit in all that I have to do during the day around my working hours. Each day I start off with great intentions, but then . . . each day ends without me having done any. What is the answer? Do I need to get up at 4 a.m. ??? I don't think I can do that.

There has to be a better answer.

Now that the autumn is here and the days are getting shorter and it is getting dark earlier I haven't been able to fit in that walk after work. It's far too dark. I miss it. It's also too dark early in the morning. This nasty rain we have had all week doesn't help either. I do have a treadmill, but . . . I find it so boring, and because it is people powered, it is walking up hill all the way and extra hard. I know . . . excuses, excuses.

The only and best solution is my exercise video. It's fun and something that I can do here in the house. I don't like to do it with Todd around through, so perhaps I need to take it upstairs and into our bedroom instead of down here in the kitchen. What do you think? It just might work.

Just checking in

I can't remember the pin number to my weight thingie down at the bottom so that I can update it. I am down another 2 pounds as of this morning. That makes a total of 32 now, which is great! I am well pleased. The Mr's PA where I work said to me yesterday that I look like I am melting away. Not bad, not bad.

I shall be challenged today though, because I have just spent all night packing with my boss, so I will be very tired, and I find that when I am tired I just can't seem to concentrate on much, although to be honest the last few times haven't been like they were in the past. IN the past, after an all night packing session, I seemed to want to munch the whole day. Last few times though I have been able to keep it down to a dull roar!!

The thing I have struggled with the most is fitting in exercise. With a full time job and most of my hours being split shift, I find that I am having a really hard time fitting much in. I do try to walk most days, but now the nights are drawing in and I don't get home most days until it is dark. I dug out my old Richard Simmons Aerobics video and I have managed to get that in a couple of mornings a week, but it is a real stretch to fit it in. I find I usually have to give up something else in order to do it.

I have never been much of an exerciser really. That's been one of my biggest challenges, but I do find that I now look forward to my walks and enjoy them when I am on them, which is a totally new experience!

I have done aerobics classes in the past. When I was younger I used to do one down at the local school and I used to jog there and jog home. Mind you I was some 25 years younger then! I can't see me jogging much these days! But then again, you never know. One of my daughters is a marathon runner and an Ultimate Frisbee Nut. The other one is a Special Olympics World Gold Medalist in Cross Country Skiing. My youngest son is a hockey and soccer player extraordinaire. In fact he coaches both now. My other two sons are kinda like me, armchair atheletes. That's not the way it has to be though and if there's one thing that this whole process has taught me, it's this . . . Move Your Body!

I've been doing really well though. Anyone who reads my other blogs knows and sees all the lovely food I cook, and that's just at home. I cook even more lovely stuff at work. I am really enjoying the freedom this whole new way of living has afforded me. I no longer feel as a slave to my appetites. My love of food no longer controls me. I now control it and that is very empowering indeed!

Angie is coming to visit me with her husband on Sunday and I am planning a slap up Sunday Lunch, which of course Angie and I will pick at and our husbands will devour. One thing I am sure of though is we shall enjoy every nibble and what's more it will be so good to finally meet in person!!!

Must get myself to bed now. It's gone 6 am and I shall turn into a punkin soon!

Keep Your Body Moving

Yesterday was such a fine day that Todd and I took ourselves on a long, and brisk walk across the orchards and through the fields. I had to keep reminding Todd to stride out as he was wont to amble and I really wanted the exercise.

I can't believe I just said that . . . I really wanted the exercise. That doesn't sound like me very much, or at least the me of a year ago. I actually crave exercise now and I enjoy it when I am doing it.

I recently dug out my old Richard Simmons Exercise videos . . . "Sweating to the Oldies" and "Disco Sweat." Corny I know, but they are fun and I can fit them into my schedule.

Because of the long hours I work, it is hard to fit in going to the gym or to an exercise class, and with these videos I can fit some exercise into my own time, even if it's only 15 minutes here or there. I also have dance videos that are a lot of fun, and I have a treadmill up in our bedroom which is not so much fun.

Exercise is a very important part of the program. Even if you are not at the point where you can be very mobile, or even if you are like Angie, confined to a wheelchair. You can always move your body in some way and every little helps. Even if it is just to sit there and lift your legs up and down , or to wave your arms around. All movement is exercise and valuable in it's own right.

My father has just been diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. I know this is because he is overweight and has been so for most of his adult life. My Aunt Freda was diagnosed with this as well before she passed away. I don't want this to be me in another 10 years time. That's why it's so important that I lose the weight now.

It's hard when you work with food for a living as I do. I get to cook beautiful food all the time, using the finest ingredients. It all smells lovely, looks lovely and I'm afraid . . . tastes lovely. The hypnosis has really helped with that though. Because I have now trained myself to only eat when I am hungry and only eat until I am satisfied, I am able to control myself, which I couldn't before. Yes, I do taste. I have to. It's part of my job, but I am happy just with a taste and I don't have to eat any of it. In fact I have known myself to spit out the taste.

I often ask myself . . . when I am tempted, and believe me I am from time to time . . . do I really want that, or . . . am I really thirsty . . . or would I rather save the calories for something that will actually be good for my body, like an apple or a yoghurt when I get home from work??? I am happy to say that 9 times out of 10 the apple or yoghurt win out, and for the other one time when they don't????

Well, I don't beat myself up about it. Nobody's perfect. ☺

Early Morning Thoughts

It's quarter to three in the morning and I can't sleep. I've been awake with a headache for most of the night. I hate it when that happens, especially when I know I have important stuff to do in the morning. I've struggled with insomnia for most of my adult life. I believe it must be heriditary as I have seen my father struggle with the same thing. It can be very frustrating. Most nights I have a difficult time sitting through any program longer than half an hour on the telly, as I am falling asleep during them . . . and then I get into bed and as soon as the lights go out . . . bingo! I'm awake. It's hard to turn off your brain sometimes, but most especially when you've been working until late in the evening, which was the case for me last night.

Watching what I eat becomes harder when I am tired, or at least it always has done. It has always seemed like my control and willpower completely disappear when my brain is operating on half power. Normally, when I am really tired, such as when I occasionally work all night, the next day I could eat for England . . . devouring unconciously anything that falls within my radar. I have noticed though, since I have been doing the hypno-therapy this hasn't really been a problem. I've had to work all night several times and each time I have been able to keep the munchies to a minumum the next day, which is really and truly amazing to me.

I had posted several before and now pictures on my other page and thought it would be fun to post them here.




This is me, probably a good year and a half ago. At the largest I have ever been. I gave this the title of "Yuck." I have always hated having my picture taken, and this is one of my least favourites ever. One of the missionaries that we frequently have to dinner wanted to take a picture of Todd and myself for his memory album. I was less than thrilled, but you'd never know it from the photo. Laughing on the outside, but secretly cringing on the inside. But that's the old me . . .



This is one taken just last week. I look quite a bit smaller than in the first one, although to be sure I still have a long ways to go. I think this is the first picture I've allowed to be taken of me in years that I haven't inwardly cringed while it's been taken. My clothes are getting quite a bit looser, but I haven't gone to the expense of buying any new ones yet. Like I said . . . I still have quite a ways to go and I will wait a few more sizes before I buy anything new. That blouse is quite new though, or at least it is a newer one that I bought a few years back and was never able to wear. When I did put it on last week, it was loose. I thought I better get some use out of it before it was too late!

My maternal grandmother was a very large woman. There are very few pictures of her in existance. She hated having her picture taken and so only very rarely was anyone able to capture her image. Kind of sad really. I know how she must have felt. I also know how I feel as her grand-daughter and how much I would love to have a picture of her that I could look at and love. It doesn't matter to me that she was large in stature. I love her anyways and when I get to the other side I shall tell her so . . . she died of cancer when I was around 5 years old. I had always been her favourite grandchild, and I miss her still.

One of the things that this therapy program has been really helpful with is with learning to be more accepting of myself, fat or thin. I think that probably we are always our own worst critics when it comes to things like that, and I have always been really harsh on myself . . . could barely look at myself in the mirror a lot of the time. Even when I was thin, I never really felt pretty. That probably has a lot to do with having been married to an emotionally and mentally abusive man. It was his purpose in life to make me feel useless and unattractive. I wish I'd known then what I know now.

I'm rather beautifully created I think . . . and it's all natural!

Friday 4th September 2009

Only a loss of 1 lb this time but at least it's in the right direction.  That makes 1st 8 lbs since the end of April - not vast but steady (very!) and I have been a bit naughty.  Well, nobody said I had to be a saint did they?  I am a little demon when it comes to uncooked cake mixture and I hereby own up to having wilfully made sure the mixing bowl was amply supplied with "licks".  Hey, while we're 'fessing up let's be totally honest eh? ............

Last Sunday I had a not huge portion of plum and Grand Marnier crumble with custard.

I also had a couple of roast spuds and a Yorkshire Pudding.  Well, two.

Two packets of crisps went missing from the cupboard.  Prime suspect :  me!

Gosh, I did enjoy every single "cheat" (if you want to call it that).  They were worth only losing one pound for.  I prefer not to call it cheating;  I think it's as much a part of listening to my body as stopping eating when I'm full.  I needed goodies, had them, paid a small price and now I can take up as before.  Yyyyeessss!!

Angie, xx

An Epiphany

I had somewhat of an epiphany today. I had my session with Margaret and I expressed to her something that I have been feeling this past week or so. I have been doing really well. I am holding to the rules and I am losing weight, and it's been absolutely painless. I haven't missed anything and I don't feel deprived at all. It's pretty amazing, but still . . . inside I have held on to this little niggling fear that all of a sudden this might stop working, and that I will wake up one morning and the whole plan will be out the window and that all of a sudden I will want to be eating and eating and eating and that will be it . . . I'll be back to my former ways and gain back all the weight that I have lost. (23 pounds to this point folks, yes 23 Pounds!!!) I suppose realistically that is a fear that anyone would have at one point. How many diets have I been on in my lifetime, and how many diets have I gone off of in my lifetime and felt a total failure at. Well, they come to the same amount and totally are in my face every time I look in the mirror . . . I have had a bit of an afraid of failure mentality these past few weeks and today I stared it in the face. I came to realize that ( and here is the biggie, the ephiphany as it were) if I can't trust myself, then how can anybody trust me. I have to have faith in my self if I can ever expect anyone else to. And yes, perhaps I will have a bad day once in a while, but that is not the end of the world, or the end of my success, it's not even a failure . . . it just means that I chalk it up to having been a bad day and I put it behind me and I continue to move forward. I don't have to be perfect. A blip in the road, doesn't mean the end of the road. It doesn't matter if the road I take to my goal is totally straight (which road in life is ever totally straight?) it only matters that I keep heading in the right direction. I did not get fat overnight, and I will not be thin overnight. It doesn't matter if it takes 1 year, or 2 years or even longer than that to reach my goal. It only matters that I keep heading towards it. After all, life is an amazing journey. This is only a part of it. Success is in the perception and from where I'm standing, any step towards freedom from the chains of food obsession is a step in the right direction, whether it be a baby step, or a giant step . . . just keep moving forward, no matter what, and I'll get there in the end. ☺☺☺☺☺ (Yes, I'm smiling!) I will continue to celebrate my progress and accept it for exactly what it is. Hot damn! I'm a winner!

8 weeks in, or is it 9??? Who's counting!

It is hard to believe now that I have not spent my whole life eating the way I do now, but the mirror and the scales tell a different story. Never mind, I am on track now and the future looks very bright indeed. I have lost a total of 21 pounds now and it has been relatively painless. My food tastes better than it has in years. I am enjoying every mouthful. I probably haven't enjoyed food this much since I was a child. I am also eating whatever I want to eat . . . amazingly enough though the things I used to love (or thought I did) are not nearly as tasty now, and to be perfectly honest I don't miss them one bit. I crave exercise. I know! That sounds mad doesn't it??? I actually feel like something is missing from my day unless I get at least half an hour of exercise in. I cook for a living, and I cook beautiful food, but I have no desire to eat any of it . . . none of the cookies and cakes, or anything else. I also cook lovely things at home for my husband . . . but they too have lost a lot of their savour for me. I am getting more pleasure out of cooking them and looking at them. I do taste at home, after all I do have to eat . . . but I am now able to control myself and leave it at a taste. I would say that the portions on my plate have reduced themselves by probably 2/3. I was eating way too much and snacking far too much inbetween meals. I bet I ate almost constantly, a smidgen here and a smidgen there. But it all added up. I'm quite proud of myself and I have to say honestly I can live with this forever.

But . . . there is still a little part of me that is afraid that all of a sudden the old me will jump out and bite me in the arse and I'll forget all that I have learned and worked so hard to attain. Will this fear ever go away? Or maybe this is healthy. Maybe I should not be too confident? Or is that my old insecurities speaking??

I listen to my cd every morning before I eat breakfast. I listen to the rules I have on my ipod at work every day, several times, just to reinforce things. My clothes are definitely getting looser and I am looking forward to the day I feel confident enough to go out and buy some new ones, but not just yet . . . I have a long ways to go and I don't want to waste money on new clothes until I am in desperate need for them! At least two of three sizes down please!

My mom is proud of me. That makes me feel pretty good. I have always wanted her to be proud of me, and always somehow felt a bit like a failure, despite all the good things I have done. When I go home to Canada next year, they will all see a new me and I will enjoy showing myself off. Is that bad? I dunno, but it's something I am looking forward to anyways!

I am so proud of Angie. Despite being chairbound she is doing so well and I applaud her for it. I know how difficult it must be. She spurs me on and inspires me. Did you hear that Angie? YOU INSPIRE ME! There I said it. Now I must dash and get ready for work. xxoo

Can't quite believe it!!!

I got weighed 3/4 hour ago and 2.3/4lbs has gone. Now is where I try and keep my feet on the ground and my mind focussed! I feel like telling the world but I have to remember I have chosen to only get weighed 2-weekly so this is a 2 week loss. Never mind - it's a loss - YIPPEE!!! I am trying not to think "If I carry on like this.......".

It just shows that despite what the slimming club said about "You're not eating enough, that's why you don't lose it." (I never could get my head round that argument), I WAS eating too much, more than my limited mobility was able to get rid of. Now I don't eat until I feel hungry - not even if the clock says it's lunchtime - and then only in accordance with how hungry I am.

I still find it difficult to recognise the full up feeling so I am giving myself smaller portions on a smaller plate.

BUT I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!

Sunday 16th August

Big test of my resolve today. At lunchtime I at a little scone and a piece of chocolate cake. Oh, I did enjoy that chocolate cake but the scone was horrible. I don't know who made them but if it had been me they would have been straight in the bin!. ~As I said goodbye to my friend, whose "at home" charity event I was at, I mentioned how lovely the choc cake was, thinking she - a wonderful cake maker - had made it. "Tesco's finest" she chortled. Remind me not to go near Tesco's. I hope this won't show on the scales next Thursday.

Another friend called this morning reporting back from her hols ...........in Cleethorpes! Needless to say, she was NOT here to show off her suntan. She brought me a jar of stripy mint humbugs, which I shall have great pleasure in giving away to someone who likes them. Last year's jar is stiil around here somewhere!

After a lifetime of failing....or did I?

I have always had trouble with my weight - up, down, up, down. At school I was always the fat kid in the class who couldn't hope to be as pretty as other people. My mother often would say - in so many words - how she was embarrassed buying clothes for me. Coming from a family of thin people didn't help either. I remember a little ditty my dad used to come out with: "Little Fat Anna, She Swallowed a tanner, and squashed it into a threepenny bit". Oh I'm sure he never meant it cruelly but that's the way it sounded to me. I cringe now just writing it.

And yet, you know, I wasn't that fat - just not as thin as the others! Just this afternoon I have been looking through the big box of photos we have acquired during our 38 years of marriage. I was not fat. I wasn't ugly either. In fact I was quite pretty; not striking, you know, but not mirror shattering either. Guess what else? As I picked up picture after picture I was thinking "I don't remember seeing this photo." I never would look you see. If it had me on it I didn't look at it.

Since the End of April I have lost 17lbs with a well-known Slimming organisation, which is grand but I was so bored with their regime and the amount of money it was costing me that I decided to give it up and try something else.

I have been a counter of calories all my grown-up life and I knew calories insideout. Over the years I've learnt a bit about nutrition too so what the calories are made of is also important to me. I became a decent cook, so what food tasted like was equally important. Things were getting complicated!

Then I got disabled. Or rather the disability I have had all my life (that's for another time) progressed considerably and now I am mostly in a wheelchair. The ultimate complication for a slimmer. It's like being tied up in a corner. You can't do the exercise that every single 'diet' always harps on about. No walking, jogging, cycling; not even any crawling. And nobody was able to present to me a plan for getting round this, so I decided to have a go myself.

Last Thursday was my final weigh-in at the slimming club and on Friday I 'filed' them. I don't want to say just now what my plan is - I'm not exactly clear myself - but it involves most of the things Minerva has been talking about: Keeping a food diary, eating when hungry, stopping when full, not letting myself get keeling-over hungry, drinking plenty of water - and learning to like myself.

Sounds daft doesn't it, but I wouldn't mind betting most fat people have that problem. They don't really like themselves much. I think we tubbies fall into 2 categories: we're either the life and soul of the party or we're the wallflower in the corner who wouldn't say boo to a goose. I've been both in my time. I was a wallflower in my teens, in my 20s and 30s I've frightened more geese than you've had hot dinners and from mid 40s until now I'm back to wallflowering. But it won't do, my weight is getting in the way of the little mobility I have. It may not sound so bad to you when I tell you I am 10st 9lbs (149lbs) but at 4ft 8ins tall it's way to much.

So there you have it . I'll try and check in each week and let you know how it's going and what I've been doing.

Allegra, x

And so it goes . . .

I've had a pretty busy couple of weeks. I was away on holidays for two weeks, and then getting back into the swing of things at work. I'm happy to say that I managed to survive my holidays and not gain any weight during them. I had a lovely time. I ate exactly what I wanted to, I even had pudding most nights and an Ice cream cone. I did do a lot of walking and I expect that the exercise didn't hurt at all.

I have noticed a few things.

One, the foods that I used to really look forward to eating . . . things like chips, and chocolate, fried chicken, etc. They don't appeal to me anymore at all. I had schnitzel whilst we were on holidays and it came with big plates of chips. I had a few of the chips and half of the schnitzel and the salad and I was happy and content. One day, the day before we left for our holidays, we had some KFC. It was bloomin awful! I couldn't eat it. I had to pick off all the coating and then could only eat the meat. The coating was always my favourite part, but now it just tastes horrible. One night I asked my husband if he would pick me up a cadbury's blizzard thingie at McDonalds . . . he did. I had two mouthful's and it felt like the entire insides of my mouth had been coated with lard. It was bloomin awful as well! Not sure what's going on, but I like it!

Two, that if I continue to eat after I have realized I've had enough, I don't feel good at all. I actually begin to feel a bit ill, and very uncomfortable. We were out to dinner at the home of some friend's last evening. They served the plates already dished up. I don't like it really when people do that. I would prefer to serve myself . . . that way I can take just what I want or think I can eat. I ended up having to leave 2/3 of it on my plate as I just could not finish it. I really enjoyed the first bits of it, but then I started to feel full and was only eating to be polite. It didn't feel good at all. I felt almost ill. I had to excuse myself and apologize to our hosts, saying that I was full and couldn't eat any more.

I weighed myself this morning and I am down another 4 pounds. So that is one stone and 4 pounds. I feel really good about that. I am doing very well I think, very well indeed.

Oh sure, I am a bit afraid. What if it suddenly stops working? What if I suddenly want to go out and gorge myself on a pizza or something? Will that be the slippery slope that leads to my demise?

I am so used to failing at diets that I am a bit afraid that this might fail too. I have to be honest about my feelings though, and I have to acknowledge my fears. I just keep moving forward and doing the things I need to do. I keep telling myself, this is not a diet. This is a life changing plan that I can live with for the rest of my life, that I must live with for the rest of my life.

Can I live with being able to eat whatever I want, as long as I only eat when I am hungry and only eat until I am satisfied? I think so! This is very liveable. No bad foods, only bad habits.

I do find that my tastes are changing though, and for the better. I now crave fruits and vegetables . . . not crisps and chocolate. It is a fabulous change and I feel really good about it. I really do.

Winnie!

Winnie, I just noticed your comment, and I wanted to address what you had said. Hypnotheraphy is not like stage hypnosis. There is nobody urging you to cluck and run around like a chicken or kiss a broom. You are completely aware the whole time on one level, and yet at another level your mind is taking in a different mindset of thinking about food and more importantly about yourself. I am fat because, yes I was overeating and eating all the wrong things, but more most of all, I am fat because of conditioning from my childhood and low self esteem. There is some very valuable therapy that goes along with this and it is worth it's weight in gold. If you want to know more Winnie, please visit Happy Weight Dot Com. It can explain it way better than I can. There is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. The program teaches you to feel good about yourself, feel good about your body and how to finally enjoy eating and stop demonizing it. Before I started this program I doubt that I ever put anything in my mouth without feeling guilty or bad about it. I bet I never looked at myself in the mirror without wanting to kick my ass from here to Timbucto, or feeling incredibly sad at what I saw there. I am learning to love myself.

I can't say it any better than this: Become a natural eater, be your happy weight, and break free from food and eating issues forever.

There is no mumbo jumbo. It's not Satanic. It's not bad for you, and it may just give you back control of your appetites and eating habits.

I'm a good Christian woman. My relationship with my Saviour and Heavenly Father is one of the most important things in my life. I have complete and utter faith in them, and I feel very good about this program and about my therapist. I know it will not harm me.

Four weeks in and going strong!

It's hard to believe that I haven't always been eating the way I have been eating these past 4 weeks. I can't believe I wasted all those years on dieting. Yes, I've lost a ton of weight by dieting, but I've also gained a lot of weight as the result of dieting. In fact . . . dieting has made me fat! I am so happy that I will never need to go on another diet. This change I have made in my life is something I can happily live with for the rest of my life.

Food has never tasted better.

I am not starving.

I am not feeling deprived.

I am enjoying what I do eat more than I have enjoyed any food in a very long time.

I've lost a stone in weight.

Amazing eh?

One thing that I noticed the other day. I had worked all day and not had time for anything to eat, and then I had to go to the chiropodist so by about 4 o'clock in the afternoon I was absolutely starving. We were at the mall picking up a few things for our holidays and we decided to grab something to eat at the food court, as my husband hadn't had anything since breakfast either. We got a KFC snack pack.

UGH . . . I did NOT like it, NOT AT ALL! It didn't taste good to me in the least!! I ended up pulling off all the skin and just eating the chicken underneath. I have always love, Love, LOVED KFC? Strange, my tastes are changing.

It's exactly as she says on the CD. If you eat something that's not really all that good for you, your stomach will tell you, and you'll know that it wasn't good for you, and you won't enjoy it.

I am so glad, really, really glad! It helps to re-enforce the feelings that I am not missing anything at all!

I find myself craving salads and fruit, and vegetables. It's all pretty wonderful.

We are going to Austria on holiday on Monday and I am bringing my food diary with me, and also the cds to listen to and my walkman. I bet there's some really nice food to enjoy in Austria and I plan on enjoying it and I am thankful also that with the mindset I am in now, that I won't be overdoing it!

Can this be a whole new me? I sure hope so!

Move Your Body

One of the things I seem to have a big problem fitting in is exercise. I suppose after working an 8 hour day and then the things I have to get done at home, this is quite difficult, but I have managed to fit it in 4 or 5 times this week. I went dancing one night and took a few brisk walks and I do have to say I felt much better for it.

Exercise is kind of a frightening thing for me. About 12 years ago now, I watched my mother's boyfriend drop dead in front of us. We had just eaten a meal at KFC and were out in the parking lot talking together before we went our various ways, and he just keeled over. He was dead before he hit the ground. Rudy was not overweight at all. He was quite slim actually. He did smoke though, and he smoked home grown tobacco.

Seeing that happen in front of my eyes scared me to no end. I had never seen anyone die before. It had a very profound effect on me. I know that if I don't exercise at all, then I am doing more harm to my heart in the long run, but then whenever I do exercise, I have this little niggling fear in the back of my mind, what if I keel over . . . what if it's too much for my heart?? What if this is the straw the breaks the camel's back? Then, of course, the larger I get, the more afraid I get.

I was doing pretty good 3 years ago. I was walking miles every day and I had managed to lose about 3 stone. But then I developed plantar fasciatis. Every step for me became agony. After being on my feet for 8 hours at work every day, by the time I got home my feet would be so sore, I practically had to crawl up the stairs to go to bed at night. They would still be aching and hurting as I lay in bed and some nights I would hardly sleep at all for the pain went on through the night. The thought of walking or pounding my feet in the floor was enough to make me want to dig a hole and bury myself in it. Imagine with every step, it feeling like a hammer was socking it to your heel and instep. Having flat feet and fallen arches only made it hurt even worse.

I searched and searched for a pair of shoes that would give me comfort. I had physio therapy. Taping my feet was the only thing that helped. Eventually, after months and months, and having finally found a pair of expensive trainers that fit properly, it has become much more bearable. At least I can walk and move about without much pain, although to be sure my ankles, knees and hips do bother me . . . the price I pay for having gotten so large.

I do feel better when I exercise. That's a fact. I like walking most of all, and dancing second of all. I am starting out small. Just a brisk walk around the orchard, walking hard enough to break out into a sweat. I think that is a good start. As I get more used to it again, I will go further and further.

We are going to Broadstairs to visit friends in July and they are BIG walkers. They walk all the way from Broadstairs to Ramsgate almost every day and we like to go with them. Hopefully by then I will be up to it! We're also going on a coach holiday to Austria and I want to be able to walk without tiring myself on that as well. I can hardly wait!

I know that exercise is an integral part of any weight loss program. It increases your metabolism and helps to burn fat.

I am doing really good on the eating side of things. I am only eating when I am hungry and eating pretty much anything I want to eat, which is a massive bonus. Every time I went on a diet I always fell off it after a time because of the feeling of deprivation. It was like being at a banquet and not being able to eat. In fact I used to often have a dream where I was at a banquet and the servers would keep setting big plates filled with delicious food down in front of me, but when I would go to eat it, it was always gone and I would be so disappointed. I am not sure if this is any significance or not? Hmmmm . . . perhaps Margaret will know!

In any case I am enjoying moving my body and I have to say I am enjoying my food more now than I have in a very long time. Life is very good!

Eat When Hungry

I have a confession. When I was a child I used to go to bed feeling hungry a lot of the time. As an adult, I have never felt hungry, at least not as far as I know. My mother was fat as a child, and so when she had us, she resolved that her children would never have to suffer the slings and arrows that she had to as a fat child. That meant that everything in our house was weighed and counted. Woe betide you, should you take anything in between meals or that she hadn't actually given you to eat. That meant we either went hungry or we got pretty good at sneaking food, (which we used to blame on my dad, who suffered with being overweight himself) None of those things set up a good standard to follow later in life. I can remember telling myself when I was a child that, when I grew up, I was going to eat what I wanted, as much as I wanted and whenever I wanted, ohh and whatever I wanted to eat! I did. And just look where that has gotten me. 238 pounds. UGH!

I have another confession. I never ate large amounts. I grazed. The only problem being is . . . that I grazed pretty much constantly, telling myself that it was such a small amount that it didn't really matter, but when I stop and think about it now . . . it probably added up to a considerable amount when all lumped together. It's easy to fool yourself, if you are only eating a few nuts here, or one cookie there, or a small packet of crisps, or a tiny sliver of cake, half a chocolate bar, the leftover food on my children's plate (just so it wouldn't go to waste like), oh and don't let us forget that little bit left in the pot or the frying pan that really wasn't enough left for another meal, but . . . dare I throw it away, what a waste that would be . . . need I go on?

These past two weeks there has been no grazing. I am amazed. I went from full on grazing to nil, seemingly overnight. I think though, that when I made up my mind to telephone Margaret on that first day, I had already made a committment and a promise to myself.

What have I learned so far? I think over these few weeks I have learned what hungry really feels like. I have also learned what starving feels like on those few days when I have been late getting home from work, and havn't had enough forethought to bring something with me to work to tide me over. Like today. Thankfully I was able to keep my hunger under control and then when I was eating my dinner I was able to eat consciously and slowly, and I might add with gusto. Food tastes so much better. I don't think I ever really tasted a lot of what I was eating before. I was eating mindlessly, just shoveling it in, not even noticing half of what I was really eating. I am enjoying food now, really enjoying food for the first time in many years.

Wonder of all wonders, I am also recognizing when I have had enough! (something else I have had a problem noticing in the past) Instead of mindlessly shoveling it in until I either feel sick or severely bloated, I have begun to see when enough is enough before that happens. How do I tell I have had enough? As good as it tastes when I start to eat . . . it stops tasting good when I have had enough, and when it's time to stop. That is my signal to push my plate away, and subconsciously I think I have also made a decision to push my plate away while there is still something on it. It feels good to be able to leave something behind. I no longer have the urge to snuffle it all up. It may seem like baby steps to someone who has never had a weight problem, but it's a huge step to me!

Yes, I have quit the clean plate club. Elvis has left the room . . .

Two Weeks In

I have been going to Margaret for two weeks now. Each day I have been writing everything I eat down in a journal. That's been a big help. Part of me doesn't want her to see me eating bad things so I have been really good at eating only good stuff for the most part. I could cheat of course and not write things down, but truthfully, who would I really be cheating? I paid a lot of money for this for me to quit now and so I am honest and I write down everything.

I have been listening to a hypnosis cd every morning for about 20 minutes. This has been quite helpful. At work I am listening to another cd that I uploaded to my ipod. This contains all the basic principles of the program and hopefully they will become so ingrained in my psyche that it will soon become second nature for me to practice them.

I have weighed myself. Actually I did it before I even went to see Margaret and I was horrified and disgusted by what I saw. I am getting close to 17 stone. At 17 stone that would mean an incredible 238 pounds. How on earth did this happen. I feel so sad about that. The thoughts of it weigh me down more than the actual fat does. I am already on medication for High Blood Pressure and high cholesterol medication. Although to be honest, I was put on that as a purely preventative measure. I am a heart attack waiting to happen. I huff and puff when I go up the stairs. My knees hurt. My hips hurt. My ankles hurt and my feet are in agony. No wonder . . .

Margaret and I have talked a lot at my sessions. She has not actually hypnotised me yet herself. We mostly talk about my feelings about food. I realize that I have a very unhealthy attitude about food. Food is not the enemy but I am using it to kill myself. I love food, but I hate what it has done to me. A lifetime of thinking of certain things as bad foods, feeling deprived every time I am on a diet, of feeling like a diet failure etc. have brought me to a very bad place in my relationship with food. I've spent a lifetime and oodles of money only to learn that diets don't work, and that dieting has only made me fatter. I could not face another diet, knowing that at the end of it I would be slimmer for a short, but ultimately I would end up even fatter than before. A mother who counted every morsel that went into our mouths has turned me into a closet eater that eats in secret. An ex husband that abused me emotionally and mentally helped me to turn to food even more as comfort, solace and protection.

Here are some scary statistics:


99.5% of all dieters fail. For every 200 slimmers that successfully lose their weight and don't give up halfway through the diet (not many of those around I'm afraid), a year later only 1 in 200 of them will still be slim. The other 199, will be like me . . . unhappy, fatter than ever and feeling not able to bear the yo yo cycle of dieting followed by failure and disappointment yet again.

Dieting is all about deprivation. There are no fun foods. No pleasure. Even sinful foods. You go out with your friends, and inevitably you have to restrict what you are going to eat or drink if you are going to succeed with the plan, or you are going to let yourself and your diet down by going with the flow, or worst of all . . . you don't go out at all so as to resist temptation completely.

I am a very stubborn person. If you tell me I can't have something or do something, that only makes me want it more. Deprivation makes me feel sad. I hate feeling deprived. I hate feeling like a failure.

The good news is that this is not how it has to be, and I've finally figured that out.

A big decision

Several weeks ago I was at work and my husband called me. He said that he had been listening to Radio4 and heard a lady on there who was a Hypnotherapist. She did hypnotherapy for lots of things, but had enjoyed a large amount of success with people wanting to lose weight.

I have not always been large, but I find myself at the age of 53 being the largest I have ever been in my life. I have been on a diet since the age of 32 and all that has ever happened with each diet is that I have gotten larger and larger.

Sure I joke about it . . . make light of it . . . but the truth is I hate looking and feeling the way that I do. I have a hard time reaching down to pick anything up from the floor and my husband has to help me put my socks on in the morning and tie my shoes. I hate that too. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing this woman I don't know and the scared woman inside my eyes. I know that this weight is slowly killing me, stealing my life from me little by little and that one day it will ultimately take it away from me altogether . . . unless I do something about it. I feel out of control and desperate. I hate what I have become.

I called the clinic that very day. Margaret and I talked on the telephone for about an hour that day and agreed to meet up the next Tuesday. I was thrilled. I felt like finally, for the first time in many years, here was something and someone that might be able to help me to do what I had been failing at for so many years. I felt like a life line had been thrown my way.

I went to her clinic the next Tuesday a little nervous, a little excited, a little afraid. I didn't really know what to expect. The sum of all I knew about hypnosis was what I'd seen on stage. Tricksters making people wander around clucking like chickens and such. I didn't want to end up hating food. I work with food. It is my life. I really want to lose the weight though, so despite my fears and trepidation I go anyways and am pleasantly surprised.

I think I can do this. I know I can do this. This is me getting a handle on the rest of my life and hopefully going down . . . down . . . down, and staying there.